Collecting Love

Packing boxes yesterday, my daughter walks in grinning ear to ear, "Here mommy! It's for you, a beautiful flower!"

Love.

She's happy to have something to give.

Her brother follows a moment later, with hands full of yellow love.  Again, I can see the warm emotion, he too is happy to have something to give.  Over and over, for some time, in and out.  Running fast, tripping a time or two. Short legs returning over and over to give, freely, happily....truly joy-ful.

Gift Love Joy

Sparkly eyes giving love, in the form of a weed.   Isn't that weed me?  I can be a weed, so broken and despised but only through love am I turned around right.  Used for love, me, a simple weed.

Love transforms
(Written Sunday, March 27)

We've been away, visiting family and return now, full of thanks and love.
The list from our 12 day gallivant...



158. gazing at the waning gibbous moon following the car window
159. heavy eyelids allowing sleep
160. purple mountains majesty

 161. snow gleaming mountains
162. desert highlands and sagebrush
163. all living plants leaning with the wind
164. husband driving endlessly
165. dozing in the long sunshine
166. The Cricket in Times Square speeding the journey along

167. clouds blanketing mountains





 168. rocks
169. The Solid Rock


170. rocks making a line of shade for ants

 171. humming bird calling
172. kids going on a hummingbird hunt
173. bare feet on sun speckled cement
174. anxious smiles
175. grandma hugs
176. dim sum
177. grandma laughs
178. mercy me, the generous mr love well on repeat
179. dancing all silly with kids
180. snack breaks

181. dandelions, snugly together

182. generous smiles
183. parks
184. sun warming jeans and toes
185. flip-flops
186. thump of a baseball into it's mitt home
187. father and son playing ball
188. husbands smirk
189. leaves, speaking in the wind
190. wheels round rolling
191. strong muscles
192. cardboard boxes
193. hand cream
194. little boy, late night snuggles
195. overtired kids keeping emotions in check
196. backs, vertebrae many and one in a spine strong
197. girls swinging legs
198. unpacking, finding a place for grandma things
199. kids snuggling with grandma
200. moms grateful for children
201. moms hugging sons
202. air mattresses
203. freeways, wide and open
204. peaceful drives, kids occupied
205. brothers greeting
206. birthday parties
207. family gathering
208. children exploring the unfamiliar
209. salads with apple and tangerine
210. eucalyptus trees
211. family opening their homes
212. generosity
213. Aunts
214. fun and games
215. afternoon relaxing in gorgeous backyard
216. hummingbirds darting

217. hawks returning and leaving their nest
218. pine trees
219. an Aunt reading books to eager kids

220. uncle and husband chatting computer language
221. sister-in-laws
222. remembering how to drive in CA traffic
223. sand

224. beach rocks gathered by strong husband hands
225. each rock it's own color
226. kids racing with waves

227. little girl, hesitant at first, feeling safe in the shallow swells

228. little boy jumping and screaming with delight through the waves
229. mama eyes, watching with delight
230. Great Aunts and Uncles
231. sleep coming to small eyelids
232. city streets
233. parking meters
234. "your mom and I got married up on that rooftop"
235. seals, sprawling on jagged rocks for sleep
236. seals, awkwardly moving on sand
237. seals, gracefully swimming
238. fish tacos
239. smelling the sea breeze
240. just being together
241. dirty laundry bag (smelling like the ocean)
242. choked up good-byes
243. favorite drive up the coast
244. reconnecting
245. HOT spring cali day
246. walking in Santa Barbara
247. "this is where your dad and I met each other"
248. ice cream on the pier

249. holding hands

















250. carrying the one with the tiny legs

251. little one snuggling face into my shoulder, hugging tight
252. Hugging my Gram!
253. comfort in old memories while making new ones
254. kids pulling out old favorite books for Great Gram to read 'Stop That Ball' 'The Big Red Pajama Wagon' 'Keeko'

255. Gram's smile

256. "Good morning God, this is your day. I am your child, show me your way."
257. More Aunts, Uncles and cousins - more family together
258. glass of wine, chatting with the gals
259. clam chowder
260. juicy strawberries
261. lemons

262. kids finding new games (and the willing participants)

263. cousins playing card war
264. making up
265. tire swing
266. deer staring at us, right out the window, for a very long minute
267. orange juice, fresh sqeezed
268. sunsets
269. rolling coastal hills, green from rain
270. surfers entertaining
271. tears welling, driving away
272. lips turning upward at memories
273. 14 hours in the car together
274. home in our own beds

In my dreams,

...I live in Greece.  There are nights when I make pita bread from scratch, Adam makes gyros, tzatziki sauce the whole dining room, transforms to a villa swept by an ocean breeze.  My hair has billowing curls and I wear the simplest flowing dress in pale, the palest, blue to match the sea.

At times I wish I still lived in NY, NY.  The bustle and contact with people outside of the metal box of an automobile.  The museums, performances, the restaurants, parks and pigeons, so much at the tips of my now typing fingers.

The memories of San Diego, they do not escape the what if game in my head.  Ohhhhhhhh, the hot sand between my toes, the sweet smell of jasmine on a late night stroll, the most perfect weather all the year long.  Yes, especially on a cold winter's night, I wish we still lived there.

Actually, I'm thankful for the gifts and glimmers of wonderment that my children give me right where we are.  I'm thankful for my man, who's happy to cook dinner and the amazing times we have, even if we don't live in one of the top 10 most beautiful places in the world.  I make sure to get sand between my toes during the summer, we do many available activities, all in all, we are perfectly here.  Right here.  This is the number one place in the world for me, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

The overheard conversation that led my thoughts....

Scene: Buckling into the car after church
Gabi: (over-emphasized for effect) I wish we lived at church.  I really do.  I really wanna live at church.
Nathan: (with compassion) Everyone else is leaving too.
 short pause
Gabi: I....I wish I married Pastor, then I could live at church. 
Nathan: (slowly, with a know-it-all-attitude)You can't, he's already married to a woman, Pastor's wife.
Gabi: (whiny) But I really wanna live at church.
Mom: (can't help but chime in) Pastor's wife is Mrs. Pastor and who knows what life has instore Gabi, you're only 3.
Gabi: I'm three-and-a-half.
Mom: Yes, three-and-a-half.  Yes, yes. (Far away empty sounding) maybe someday you'll marry a pastor. (Mom drives pulls out of the parking lot listening again.)
Gabi: Well, I have to marry a boy.
Nathan: (quickly) Yes, it has to be a boy, and you'll have kids.
Gabi: I'll marry you!
Nathan: No! (tentatively) I'll already be married.
Gabi: (searching) How about Joe?
Nathan: (again soft and unsure) Well......maybe......if he's not already married to someone else.
Gabi: (with confidence) He's not married, he's just a boy!

LOVE

I had such grand thoughts of what would get done, today.

The kiss that woke me with a smile said it's morning time mommy.  It began, today.  My intentions to get caught up on the work that is mine, this home, were true. What I didn't know...that's always where I get caught off guard, like I should know how this day is going to go from that first morning kiss.  Who am I kidding!

I didn't know that plans, grander still, were in store for this day.  The laundry and dishes are still waiting but my heart is so filled with moments of now, today, here.  I saw toes and space and more kisses and hugs than the whole week before.  I wandered from room to room knitting together these moments that made today.  Sometimes it feels right to set aside, intentions and goals and focus intently what really hold us together.

My first completed knitting project, on it's handsome owner.

Space ship, complete with an escape pod, that actually detaches.

Watching How to Train Your Dragon for extra snuggle time at the end of the day.

My heart is full, of that feeling, you know the one you get when you look at a little baby.  That's how the end of today finds me, soft, tender, radiating love.

A couple weeks ago, holding a baby for the first time. I love her face!

Heart

I need to take the babies to the store.  I'll change the diaper, but you need to feed them the milk. Awwwww, don't cry, you're okay. Stop arguing right now, fine, time out. It's night, night time, sweet dreams.  Morning time, time to wake up and get dressed sweeties. 

I love when my children play babies, my daughter is such a tender mom, flinging a baby on each hip and changing diapers like a pro.  There is a tender place in my heart for these times.  I remember playing that way, now I'm the mom, how on earth!?!  Seems like I could be back in the room with the burnt orange and brown shaggy carpet with a large wooden cradle stuffed to the gills with my babies. 

Taking the role of Dad seriously I smile at the tenderness my son shows in only these times. Being the people person he is, he's happy to play babies if it's all his sister will do, even though he'd rather play with his super hero figures, legos or firemen. I adore him for that.

I also adore that when another little boy told him that boys don't like babies (we were cooing over a baby that was baptized) he stood his ground and said yes we do!  They need a Dad too! 

Undeserved and freely given

Two days ago my son says to his sister as we are driving home, "When I get to heaven, I'm gonna run and give Jesus a big long hug."  To which his sister replied emphatically, "yeah, me too!"  He looks to me and asks, "Mommy, isn't that gonna be great?"  "Yup" I almost whisper, as I think about it, "in a very long time, when you are very old and wise it IS gonna be great."

I think about this life that we have been gifted.  We can run to Jesus now too.  He is waiting with his arms of grace and mercy to cloak us in.

He is here now and yet how many times do I turn away.  Thinking I can do it alone like my stubborn strong willed three year old, or mistakenly thinking I have to do it by my own accord.  How many times must I learn this very same thing?  How many times must I run away before I listen to the whisper in the deepest part of my soul, "Run to me!" 

He is calling us to run to Him!  The enormity of His grace is constantly boggling to my mind lately.  The vastness of it all, it covers the most horrid of sins when I turn to Him and yet still my broken heart sins again and again.  The most wonderful thing I am learning this year is that when I stumble and turn to run towards him I see just how astronomical His love for all humanity is.  Then I can find praise in the one who sets me free.  I will always have this broken sinful heart on this earth, but one day in the very distant future I will be made whole and yes my son, it will be truly great!

By Your Side -  Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you


This head knowledge is nothing new most Christians today, I am aware.  What is new to me and showing me the enormity of this grace is trying to extend that grace to those around me.  To show those I love this grace instead of irritability.  When they don't deserve it.  To show them compassion instead of anger.  It is not easy.  To freely give myself to them and love them with no strings attached.  To extend to them that loving act of mercy.

I have been praying for my head knowledge to turn into heart knowledge that pours forth into my life - really applying it.  So here I am like a baby nursing, I work and work and then I fall asleep, let go and let the Holy Spirit wash over and show me how to have mercy and grace.  How much it must break Jesus' heart when I feel like I must try to do, do, do what HE already did.  He did the work already and I bet it only breaks his heart because it causes us undo pain and tumoil.  Instead of just falling asleep and cuddling into the peace of His warmth and goodness. 

Three! Already?!

Three years ago, we welcomed our beautiful baby girl!

Birth story: Part one, Part two

Now she how knows to do lots of things.

Watching. Learning.

Smart, witty, giggles, pony tails, baby doll, independent, cozy snuggles, busy busy, rainbows and sunshine and a heart full of love.

I'm so grateful to know and adore this little girl.

art imitates life imitates art

Thinking, exhausting, trusting.

life

existence

create

love

imagine

deconstruction

humanity

joy

pain

brokenness

fulfilling

love

simple moments

joy

Thinking, wondering, believing.

I've spent a lot of time inside my head today.  Truth be told, I'm not always happy with what I find there.  Today's result was a bit more joyful than most.  Still I was wrestling with the questions that rattle around in my brain.  Most of them I'm happy to say will stay as thoughts in my crazy ol' mind!

 Some of them were spent trying to come up with something I can do on a daily basis to make the world a better place.  To do something daily that makes a difference to someone broken, in pain, suffering.  What more can I do.  Can I make a difference? Yes.  I have no money to give.  Can I still help?  I start close.

I  do this daily, I give to their tiny, gaining independence yet still SO needy persons.  To them I joyfully give with all of myself so they know into the deepest corners of their souls that they are loved, they are worth it.  They are special blessings.  

We are all broken in some way.  We are all hurting somewhere within.  What can I do?  I can bring my husband a cold drink as he sweats away creating in the garage.  I know I can give more to him, without expecting anything in return.  A pleasant smile from across the room even, a wink and smirk.  So that he knows his love has affected me, embraced my every cell.

I look outward.  People. Everywhere. They all need love.  The homeless man in the park every morning by swimming lessons.  How many people drive by him every day and ignore him.  How many times have I.

Still deep in thought Nathan looks up and says, "Look at the Toy Story clouds."  I look.  They are perfect puffy ones.  So begins my does art imitate life or does life imitate art thought stream.  I remember a discussion in college.  I always took the side of art imitating life.  Art is created as a reflection of the artist's emotions and view of a particular situation.

It's not really an answerable argument though because why to we call a life moment 'picture perfect.' Do we really mean 'life perfect'?  Well, life isn't perfect so maybe it can only be as perfect as a picture of it. 

I decided that the whole debate was flawed.  Art is created by life.  The canvas, stage, paper, music notes, clay, all must be filled in by the artist.  Life.  Art is the ultimate creation and the life of the artist is shown through it.  Just a small piece of perspective, a small piece of them.  Life.

Visuals of life around here...

Mommy's little helper.

Now in her big girl toddler bed.

Daddy's big helper.

Reflection

Domino art: "Me and Tyler"

I see Nathan using art to help him through the loss of our dog.  He was in pain near the end and the 'art therapy' must be helping, healing his heart.  Learning about the permanent emptiness that death brings is hard but he's been a trooper. 

A recipe for holiday tradition: Family and Love

Memories of childhood sometimes come forth as if they were another lifetime. It was so long ago. My brain cannot comprehend that I am indeed the same vulnerable little girl sitting on the dried wood of an empty wire spool needing a loving hand of guidance, support, stability to help me.

Other times those memories seem just to have happened. So vivid and clear are they that they pour out of every cell of my being. Flowing from those places they come, welling up a tear and turning mouth edges upward. They lay in wait to be called out by a smell, a feeling, a holiday or a photo.

In years past the Fourth of July meant family, homemade ice cream, fun and fireworks. A day to hover with excitement, (driving my mom crazy no doubt) while ice cream was created in the kitchen. An afternoon with my grandparents, ice and rock salts waiting longing for the year I'd be strong enough to turn the crank all by myself.

In such a hurry we start this life to become independent. I see this trait in my two year old especially, this desire to do things all on her own. Shoving away a helping hand with determination to do it all by herself.

I feel myself doing this at times with God just as I did with my own parents. Shoving away His gentle guidance, his steadying hands and insisting that I can do it on my own. I might succeed, I might even think I did it, it was all me. Deep down I know. If I’m honest, I know it is thanks to the one who created me; He alone does any good that pours from me.

His love was demonstrated during these times. This fellowship of family and love demonstrated (however imperfectly) the love of our Creator and the relationship he wants to have with us.

The years have blended together in my memory, as if each year's movie reel is played atop the previous. In some I have only a little sister, the rest of the reels a little brother too, later on Grandma is gone but the love passes on through the generations. It stays.

I do recall a yummy mint chocolate chip (my favorite) one year and a peach ice cream another. Mostly those details are long gone the lingering feeling of embrace remains. Embraced. Loved.

Grandma with her sweater draping her shoulders, often chilled even on the warmest of days.  She'd sit, content to observe the rhythms of us kids and the men and girls turning the sweet creamy goodness.

My Bobo holding the bucket still, adding leverage for the turning body. I wonder now, if we'd used that ice cream maker more often surely he'd have invented something to hold it down. Clamped it on or done something only his brain could jimmy rig figure out.  For the holiday fun he was happy to hold it for seemingly hours while we waited for that first soft, thick, melty bite.

The conversation for several of the years was over my head but I longed to understand. Usually patriotic music was playing in the house building up in each one of us a pride for our country. The evening ended with a BBQ meal and fireworks and lightning bugs and smells of bug spray. And I can't imagine it any other way.

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Helping make the ice cream!

Presently, the Fourth of July is about family, fun, fireworks and homemade ice cream. Celebrating the reason settlers first braved the ocean and hardships to begin colonizing here....

Mayflower Compact

In the name of God, Amen. We whose names are underwritten, the loyal subjects of our dread Sovereign Lord King James, by the Grace of God of Great Britain, France and Ireland, King, Defender of the Faith, etc.

Having undertaken, for the Glory of God and advancement of the Christian Faith and Honour of our King and Country, a Voyage to plant the First Colony in the Northern Parts of Virginia, do by these presents solemnly and mutually in the presence of God and one of another, Covenant and Combine ourselves together into a Civil Body Politic, for our better ordering and preservation and furtherance of the ends aforesaid; and by virtue hereof to enact, constitute and frame such just and equal Laws, Ordinances, Acts, Constitutions and Offices, from time to time, as shall be thought most meet and convenient for the general good of the Colony, unto which we promise all due submission and obedience. In witness whereof we have hereunder subscribed our names at Cape Cod, the 11th of November, in the year of the reign of our Sovereign Lord King James, of England, France and Ireland the eighteenth, and of Scotland the fifty-fourth. Anno Domini 1620.

(The 'dread sovereign' referred to in the document used the archaic definition of dread—meaning awe and reverence (for the King), not fear.)

Waiting for fireworks!

...And a century and a half later declaring our independence with toddler like determination, thank God for John Adams and the others!  We have a country because of them.

The Declaration of Independence

Happy Independence Day America!

What is your recipe for a holiday tradition? I'd love to know.

The honesty of it, straight to my heart

This morning on our way home from the gym my five year old decided to have a really horrible attitude.  It began as soon as he got into the truck and worsened with each fastening seatbelt.  Each click making the doom and gloom inescapable.

One sad choice followed by another sad action followed by lots of sad words. I did what I could; before I even pulled out of the parking lot he had lost his water and toy.  That's when the hurtful words began. "I don't have you guys in my heart anymore."  God please give me wisdom. I never know what to do when he says this; nothing I am doing is working please help.

I have told him before that my love can never be taken away from him, it is a forever.  My love.  I’ve said always, 'I will always love you.  I will always love you.'  Still he is fickle with his words about love.

In the car stopped at a light, unsure of what to do (Please God give me wisdom) I tell him his words are hurtful to both me and his sister.  His sister then generously hands him a batman that she's playing with exclaiming, "Me give Nathan Batman, me nice, me nice, me share."  She is obviously more forgiving than I. Perhaps trying to stay on my good side.

Nathan then replies, "Gabi you are back in my heart."  Love isn't something earned or purchased with gifts.  Some giggles begin and I was about to let the whole thing go as I accelerated the car to the speed limit eager to get home, out of my sweaty clothes and showered.  Thankful for deoderant.

More sad words and his consequence is handing over batman to me.  Please God give me wisdom, I'm not being an effective parent and I can feel it.  You have to give me the wisdom; I can't find it on my own.

Batman snuggled in my purse I hear his voice begin timid growing more intense with each word, "Mommy, you are not in my heart and I do NOT love you AND I want to go live with another family."

Really. I pause (for a long time I pause) eventually to calmly reply, almost comatose, "You hurt my feelings and I'm not going to be able to talk right now."  Can the light turn green so we can make the next few turns and be home already?

Wisdom Lord, where is the wisdom, please, I am begging.  He starts to talk and I actually tune him out. I turn into the driveway and pull into the garage.

Can I leave him buckled in his car seat until he has a change of heart?  As I get out of the driver's door, I open my daughter's door greeting her with a cheerful smile.  Unclicking and hugging her as I turn to my much loved son politely saying, "I will give you five minutes here, and then if your heart is grateful and happy and loving I will unbuckle you."  Guess there is a perk that his car seat is difficult to unbuckle after all.

I shut the door not wanting to hear any response.  Because I love him.  Because God loves him and created him to be a special little boy.  Because he cannot treat the woman who's done everything for him for nearly five and a half years this way, I am a great Mom.

Soap bubbles scrub tiny fingers (though not so tiny as they once were) and then long fingers.  "Dry, dry, dry" we sing.  Peanut butter and raspberry jam is smeared on the last few slices of bread.  Triangles are his favorite.  Sitting my daughter on a stool, I place two triangles in front of her and two in front of the empty stool next to her. We pray. I kiss her head telling her mommy will be right back.

It is time; I have to do this right. I am a fabulous Mom, he is a fabulous boy.  God please let me say the words that will mean something to him please let me speak to his heart.  Feet reluctantly stepping back out to the garage and around to his side of the truck.  Deep breath, fighting back welling tears.

I open his door, look him in the eye, it's no use fighting and a lone tear slowly slides down my cheek. "Hi. Are you ready to be grateful and happy?"

He looks at me and looking away again responds with a defeated, "yes."

Again finding his eyes I say delicately, "You told me you didn't love me" –pause- "and that hurt my feelings and makes me sad."  Tears are racing down now and my eyes close for a second to try to compose myself.  A cold little hand touches my left cheek and then another on my right. My eyes open and we hug repairing the hurt between us.

-unclick-unclick-

"Your words have power and meaning.  Words can hurt.  Words should not be chosen for hurting but for loving. I love you and I love the special place you have in our family.  You are a special boy and God gave you to our family.  We love you very much and thank God for you."

"I love you Mommy."

A sparkle came back to his eyes that I hadn't seen in awhile so I continued, "You are a gift from God and I do my best (so far from perfect) but I don't think I've been telling you lately how special you are to me and what a special place you have in my heart.  In this family, you are the one who keeps us laughing and playing, you are the one who makes us belly laugh and smile and you are the one who loves, giggles, cries, teaches, yells and sings.  You are special to me."

I don't remember much of the rest of the conversation as we headed back into the house.  I used to be a yeller, get angry and use my emotions and words as a sword but now, with God to help me maybe I can breath, talk, remain calm, shed a tear and maybe, just maybe break the cycle of anger.  Because my kids, they deserve to be lifted up.

Words can be like little pins poking just under the surface of our skin. Where our self-confidence meets our insecurities they travel, each letter of every word reaching further in threatening our very heart.

The world hurts us, thicker skin, remember for next time, and don’t let those letters in so deep. Don't feel so much pain, don't let them past this part, make it tougher.  It is easy to become hardened by the world sometimes by those in the world closest to us.  They are the ones we hurt the most because we know just where to send those pointy words, just where to shoot the letters to get in.

I'm hoping that God can make my skin softer for my family. A thick skin toward the world and its harsh opinions can be a good thing, but for my family I am asking to be softer, gentler keeping strong as mother, wife and woman. Softer and open so I can feel the effects of both my words and those of the ones I love. All the way into my heart.

More Love

You know how sometimes there's a theme that keeps happening over and over in your life.  Well apparently that's going on here because today's sermon was on loving one another.  And God is really driving the nail in here...

This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righteous. Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. 1 John 3:11-13

I know that we are saved not by works but by grace in faith and I feel that God is leading me towards something that I haven't quite figured out yet.  I truly do care about people and it is wonderful to have such an amazing teacher to show me how to love even if I'll never be perfect at it.

Ring The Bells

Ring the Bells, ring the bells.
Let the whole world know Christ was born in Bethlehem many years ago.

Born to die that man might live, came to earth new life to give,
Born of Mary, born so low many years ago.

God the Father gave His Son, Gave His own Beloved One
To this wicked, sinful earth to bring man kind His love new birth

Ring the bells, ring the bells,
Let the whole world know Christ the Savior lives today
As He did so long ago!

There are twelve more minutes left of Thanksgiving and I can't sleep. This is extremely rare for me as usually I'm asleep leaning on my husband on the couch or at the very least as soon as my cheek sinks into the pillow.

Today was fabulous and even though I miss my family I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for the gift of having people to love.

"Love one another, even as I have loved you." Jesus said these words. He did not say 'love your family' or 'love the people you like' or 'love the things people do or have.' He said LOVE ONE ANOTHER. This love he speaks of is sadly so foreign to our culture, isn't it just year ago that a poor man was trampled to death so that people could buy stuff? This is not love, at least not a love for people, it is a love for stuff. It's just stuff, loving the people in our life is the thing that brings us the most reward, the most happiness and the most fulfillment. Even though or I guess in spite of this love, as sinners, people have caused others (even loved ones) great pain.

1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins." Amen to that, I have been hurt by those I love many times sometimes it is hard but I'll always love them. I'm certain I have hurt those I care most about too, I'm a sinner just the same I can try not to hurt them but I, like you am a fallen, imperfect person.

I began thinking about the word fervent, intense passion, with great zeal, hot and fiery are some of it's definitions paraphrased. What does fervent love look like? What does it mean to love our spouses and our kids fervently? Compassion, a willingness to serve them, even discipline. We still discipline those we love, because we love. What does it feel like to keep fervent in our love for our family and friends? Do they feel that love? What does it sound like to show intense feelings of love to a total stranger? How does his love act? Does it mean an encouraging smile to a mom with a tantrum crazed toddler or just being pleasant to those around you even if they are not.

This brings me to my next long passage, Romans 12:9-21 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:  "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Now that today is done and another today has begun sleep is beginning to fog my thoughts. I bid sweet dreams and pray that God will teach me this love and implant it into the hearts of my children and all of the world, especially through the upcoming Christmas season. Will You please open my eyes to ways that I can show this love to those closest to me as well as those I've never met. Please forgive me for the times I haven't been loving to others and please keep giving me opportunities to show Your love. I thank you Lord for people to love.

The Best

This morning my son was the first kid into our bed. You would think that since I was able to hum my two year old back to sleep in her own bed at 4:30 I would have slept better. Usually by then I'll just bring her in with us. Not true, I couldn't fall back to sleep for an hour, at least.

Needless to say I was still a bit comatose when my son climbed into bed but he knew just what to say to wake me up on the right side of the bed.

"Mommy, you give me the best kisses, they go straight to my heart."

Mommy's Day, Another Perspective

Mother's Day seems to be getting me back into blogging mode for whatever reason. I've just been keeping things close to the heart for the last month or so. It's not a lack of writing, just the lack of publishing my rants, poems, and loves.

Stepping up and I'm sure tired of clicking over here and still seeing the same stuff about the Easter bunny, my Mom has written something about me and for me to post here. I'm touched by what she wrote, I love you Mom.

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From Heidi’s mom, to honor her this month for Mother’s Day.

When, in March I was looking for new blogs here, she suggested I write one about my visit in February. A few weeks later I wrote a rough draft and have been thinking about it since. As Mother’s Day approaches I want to share this visit from a different viewpoint than I originally planned. Yes, I have many fun memories of my visit; however the best ones are of a special mother.

Heidi, where has the time gone? It seems such a short time ago that I was tying your wispy strands of hair out of your eyes, now I see you dong the same with your daughter. Or playing a game with you as I see you with your son.

Not that long ago you helped me bake, or put away the laundry. These and many more loving moments I enjoyed watching you share with your children. It is very special that you are raising your children to love God and Jesus, while teaching them the Golden Rule, to love one another as He loves us.

Time does fly when you are having fun! The way I see it you are having fun raising, caring, molding, and loving your children.

Heidi, although we live too far to enjoy a Mother/Daughter treat in person this month, it is a treat to write a blog entry.

Hugging arms
Ever loving
Interested in learning
Dynamically creative
Inviting laugh

I love you very much and I bless you, child of mine!

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Thanks Mom, I hope this will jump start a round of postings around here... ;-)

Moments of Life

Written March 17, 2009 And yes, I'm still doting on my baby girl!

I immensely enjoy nursing my toddler. I have watched it transform over these many months from her life source to a down time of snuggles, providing us both with comfort, bonding and grounding.

It's easy for both of us now to be distracted and less in tune and present in the moment of it. Our time together seems to be caught up in other things (dancing, talking, running) with so much less time spent snuggling together some moments seem to be lost on "quick, let's finish this and get stuff done." As just another routine moment in our day, some are lost.

I can't begin to express how nice it was today to just relax and be present in the moment. Letting go of the rambling in my head an just absorbing the world around us. Even though there were constantly people walking on the path in front of us they took a far background and this little grassy nook felt like the entire world.

The smell of salty florals filled the breeze which gave my shaded skin a slight chill. Slowly, as I relaxed a deep warmth overtook me as I lay my sleepy daughter on my chest. Amazed at how long she is becoming that her legs were hanging off the other side of me I snuggled her in close.

Hearing the muted Shamu trainers in the background brought my thoughts to my son and his Dad, sitting there just out of the soak zone I could picture the looks on their faces. I was glad they could have this moment just the two of them, sometimes I know things seem more special when he gets to tell Mommy what he got to do with Daddy. Even though I wished I could be both places at once, I was happy with my choice to experience this little grassy nook of earth at Sea World.

With each breath my lungs gently rocked my girl, slowly and relaxed as her own body gave in to the land of dreams. I could still smell cotton candy on her breath - a long cry from her baby milk breath.

The wispy pines made a splendid foreground to the perfect blue sky as I gazed upward watching seagulls tirelessly fly overhead. Occasionally a pair of butterflies would dart in and around a small tree with funky thin palm fronds that stuck out and up, disrupting a swarm of gnats. Surrounded by bright yellow and purple flowers, as if they were welcoming us, to stop for a bit and live.

So we did. The boys had a blast watching Shamu and the girls had our own amazing experience. The benefits of which are still being reaped. Colors seem a bit more alive, hearts are happier and renewed and minds are a bit more present.

It is great to be alive and even better to live.