I feel like I've had a productive weekend, getting to church always makes it feel like we did "something" especially since we haven't been in a couple of weeks.
Yesterday our son was up early so after a very early breakfast he and I played for a long time just the two of us which was so special. As we were sitting rolling the big green ball back and forth to each other a thought crossed my mind of the sibling we would not be giving him so soon. That when the doctor told me we'd have to wait 3 months before we even start to try for another it just broke my heart and how much longer does that mean I have to be so empty and longing to give my son the gift of siblings. With each giggle and push of the ball, I felt like we waited too long to have children, like we should have started earlier. My husband and I will have been together for 10 years next month and it took us almost six years to get married. Back and forth as we sat sometimes switching to the smaller purple ball or the even smaller orange ball giggling, laughing and letting it fill up the room, the entire house even. Why? What did that time teach us, we were happy and in love why did we wait? After awhile my kiddo tired of the balls and switch gears to playing with some other toys while I watched...then scared of sitting and dwelling I cleaned. Vacuumed our whole house (except our bedroom), cleaned one and a half bathrooms and mopped the floor during his nap time.
During this cleaning fit the song "Bless the broken road" came into my head and I just kept singing it : I set out on a narrow way many years ago Hoping I would find true love along the broken road But I got lost a time or two Wiped my brow and kept pushing through I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you..... It brought me back to the comfort I was feeling during the rest of this past week... ...This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you.
This morning in our Sunday school lesson our Pastor spoke of Moses and the 40 years he spent in the wilderness. Even he said something to the effect of why not just get on with it, why does God "waste" those 40 years. Only God knows when our hearts will be ready for His plan for us. It is so hard to let go of the control we want to take of our lives, the desires we have in our hearts so strongly, but God only knows just what those desires will bring and He is the only one truly in control. He is the one with the master plan of all plans. I look at Moses and think wow if he had the patience and faith to wait all those years. I think that I have the patience and faith to trust that God has more children planned for us one way or another. And all I can do for now is happily be me...a loving wife and mother and faithful servant of God.