Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Finding Stablility in the Highly Unstable

A yoga instructor of mine used to say yoga was "finding stability in a highly unstable situation."

Yoga sure is about finding stability when you are standing on one leg holding your foot behind you leaning forward, wobbly, praying you don't tip over and grab the person next to you for balance with the arm reaching in front of you. Leaning further into Dancer while fighting off a cramp in your shin, you feel your ankle tensing up while fervently yet futilely wishing the instructor would start to loose her balance so she'd let us all release the pose! Yeah, Yoga is about finding stability

In so many other areas of my life right now I desire stability. Getting a two year old to nap short of tying him down and gluing his eyelids shut is ALL about finding stability and peace in a HIGHLY unstable situation. (Yup, today was day 3 with no nap.)

Throwing together a dinner in 30 minutes because the chicken you were going to cook was bad for seemingly the trillionth time this year, and there is nothing else in the house...yet still managing not to snap at your hard working husband when he walks in the door from his first day of work SO qualifies here.

Realizing that I miss my "old" self. The self that didn't have these fragile emotions - the pre-miscarriage Heidi. The happy-go-lucky, somewhat ditsy, spontaneous, old me. Now, I'm teetering in the in-between, the tremendous fun, laughter and games of toddler hood on the one hand and the sadness, grief, guilt and utter loss on the other. I'm teetering and only able to go about my day by gripping desperately onto Jesus with the clenched fists of a newborn at the breast.

These last few weeks my emotions have been on a screaming roller coaster ride whipping my body, my husband and son along with them. I can't say how grateful I am for my friends and family that God put each one of them in my life so that I would be supported. I am even more grateful that we have Jesus. I'm so glad we can forgive each other (so glad my husband is willing to frequently forgive me) and I'm so glad we have Him to be our stability because life is absolutely unstable.

Everything is right in the world because of Him and I'm so grateful that God sent Him for little old me!


owlhaven said...

Hang in there. It will get better...

Except the nap thing. he may just be done. My #3 child took his LAST nap ever at 23 months. A very sad day indeed.

Hang in there

mary, mom to many

Anonymous said...

I am trying to find stability in an unstable postition too. This was a great post!

Naps well. . . my oldest didn't even make it to two. Try skipping the naps and making bed time earlier!

Heaven Sent said...

I am so happy I visited your blog today.
I know you tried to put some humor into this post, but you sound like you are hurting, and I am so sorry I haven't read recently to know what's been going on.

Of course, no words can possibly mend your heart, but you are on the right path by "looking up." He is often our only source of true comfort in times when nothing makes sense. He is carrying you through this time, holding your hand, and wiping your tears.

As Natalie Grant says in her song:
"This is what it means, to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive.

This is what is, to be loved. And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."

I will pray for you!

Anonymous said...

Golly, I have had to catch up on your posts. Things have been busy here!

You really put a smile on my face. Your honestly uplifted me!!!


Amber said...

I MOURN the day Haddie stops taking naps. It's my only time of reprieve in my entire day!

Amber said...

I linked over from another site and have enjoyed my read. I can also relate. While motherhood comes naturally, being a SAHM does not. My hubby recently got a promotion which means more hours and more time home alone with the kids. I don't know what I'd do without their afternoon naps!

Linds said...

No more naps...... I remember that well. Transition time to little people not babies.
It will get better. You will never forget the miscarriage, but it does get easier. I know. Hang in there.