Written March 31, 2010....
Most of us know the drill. After a windy, cold, wet winter our flower beds need a bit of a face lift. Crispy dull leaves thrown around by wintry winds caught beneath their budding branches, bushes begin to show signs of new life. Tiny green leaves eventually bursting forth in the warm spring sunshine.
So too, our minds and hearts can use a de-cluttering. A time to rid our hearts of the disarray that we hold onto which keeps us unnecessarily in bondage. Allowing ourselves freedom from the burdens that are too horrible to mention but to a select few on this earth. Ours are hearts that have these places, like the bases of my bushes, the burdens and guilt can get stuck there going seemingly unnoticed. Dull, in the dreary dark we cling instead of letting them go, completely letting Jesus pay that price for us - for it all, yes, even what we dare not mention.
As I put on last year’s well worn gloves (they ripped up a fair share of sod a year ago) I note the damage and think about buying a new pair. These are my gloves; my fingers know them, each finger hugged by the worn leather. They are known. They are mine. A new pair, certainly unknown, needed none the less.
So too is life with these burdens, I've held them all so long. I know them well, I own them, and I even chose them. Letting myself be forgiven for them? I don't know for sure what life will look like if I lay them all down at the foot of the cross. Is Jesus really big enough for all that? He really did become sin, He who knew no sin, for me. For me, for this! Yes, Heidi. For this! Yes, my head knows, why will my heart not let it go? Why will my own heart not forgive?
As I work, filling a box with crisp leaves, the smells bring me back to autumn for a moment. The dying. The death. Appropriate for this Easter week. I turn my face to the sunshine while putting a handful of leaves in the box and a warm smile crosses my face and goes deep into my soul.
I know that I must let these burdens die with Jesus, there on the cross. The price. Oh so costly. Paid by the One who didn't deserve it. First the death, but after the death of autumn and the cold, endless winter, a celebration of life and resurrection!
I begin pulling out grasses and rearranging the rock border,
man the grass roots go on forever. I follow the root for as far as I can and it seems never to end. Finally it breaks in my hand and I leave it, knowing in a few more weeks I'll have to pull it again.
I aknowledge that though these roots may not seem to end, God's love indeed has no end. Never. Always there, always pouring it out into my heart. I am the only one that cuts it off to me, He will always give it. I will have to accept it. Is it possible to replace these burdens with love? How on earth can I let myself, my wretched self be loved by God? Even more so, knowing how much God loves me, how can I not love myself? Not a selfish love but a love of someone that God made who has a purpose and who is special. Me. I am special in the eyes of God. I am loved by God. A bud forming right there, a sign, healing is beginning.
The sun is warming my back as I work and makes my dull mommy hair shine as it hangs beside my face. Pulling more weeds I stack a rock pile of random stones.
The Son, who rose victorious, can shine an even greater light in my heart. He has conquered this life and rose victorious. He alone can heal these wounds and in the four months since I have given them up to Him, miracles have happened. Miracles. I couldn't do in years what He has now begun.
My mind wanders as I make my way down the bed; suddenly I look at the progress I've made in such a short time. This chore last year was endless because it hadn't been done the two years prior. I guess some things get overlooked during pregnancy and with a small baby. (Just a few!) I remember how demanding this was last year both physically and time consuming. Grateful, I am amazed with how well it is going and how much better it begins to look rather quickly.
At this commencing of my journey really forgiving, really loving, really giving it all up, I am encouraged to think that as the years go by, continually laying all my burdens down the healing will continue. Each year, each week, each minute that passes means it will become easier and more wonderful to live life forgiven. Breaking the bondage. Truly knowing that life is worth the living because of the Son. The Son who shines his love on even me.
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Much of this I had as head knowledge but I had really been struggling with unbelief for the past year. The beginning of 2010 has shown a great healing and incredible belief. I am in awe of God and his perfect timing.
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Something I've been wanting to join in on for awhile now...
1) Jesus, my savior, whose love is never ending.
2) My husband's warm lengthy hugs, and knowing just when one is needed.
3) Kids singing, "We are the pirates, who don't do anything" in silly voices.
4) God's strength in sleepless nights with sick kids.
5) Children, oh my children how I love you both to the moon and back.
6) "Mommy, just one more thing to say." At bedtime.
7) Sewing button holes on three little girl shirts.
8) Watching a movie while sewing 9 buttons on to those little girl shirts, and tidying a Spiderman appliqué on one boy shirt.
9) A husband who cooks dinner, yummy yummy dinner.
10) Children who during Mommy's 10 minute shower turn the downstairs into a rocket ship and outer space.
11) Children scrubbing with mommy 6 walls, one cabinet, one fridge door and floor clean of their space creations.
12) Even though I tend toward more natural cleaners, today I am SO thankful for that magic eraser and that it really does remove black crayon from paint.
13) A freshly mowed lawn in time for a rainy day.
14) The sun making an appearance at the end of a rainy grey day.
15) Raindrops on my face.
16) One lonely tulip blooming, knowing his friends are not far behind.
17) Living in the time of sewing machines and self-cleaning ovens.
18) An illness beginning on the eve of a spontaneous road trip to visit family. And a road trip postponed until children are back to their healthy, bouncy selves.
19) Peanut butter and chocolate chips, eaten together, on the couch while children are asleep.
20) Another amazing and glorious day to praise our creator!
21) Wearing your dress shoes to play in mommy's flowers!
22) Juicy apples
23) Dandelions picked by little fingers just for me!
24) Husband vacuuming the entire house!
25) Little boys conquering the world!
