So too, our minds and hearts can use a de-cluttering. A time to rid our hearts of the disarray that we hold onto which keeps us unnecessarily in bondage. Allowing ourselves freedom from the burdens that are too horrible to mention but to a select few on this earth. Ours are hearts that have these places, like the bases of my bushes, the burdens and guilt can get stuck there going seemingly unnoticed. Dull, in the dreary dark we cling instead of letting them go, completely letting Jesus pay that price for us - for it all, yes, even what we dare not mention.
So too is life with these burdens, I've held them all so long. I know them well, I own them, and I even chose them. Letting myself be forgiven for them? I don't know for sure what life will look like if I lay them all down at the foot of the cross. Is Jesus really big enough for all that? He really did become sin, He who knew no sin, for me. For me, for this! Yes, Heidi. For this! Yes, my head knows, why will my heart not let it go? Why will my own heart not forgive?
I know that I must let these burdens die with Jesus, there on the cross. The price. Oh so costly. Paid by the One who didn't deserve it. First the death, but after the death of autumn and the cold, endless winter, a celebration of life and resurrection!
I begin pulling out grasses and rearranging the rock border, man the grass roots go on forever. I follow the root for as far as I can and it seems never to end. Finally it breaks in my hand and I leave it, knowing in a few more weeks I'll have to pull it again.
I aknowledge that though these roots may not seem to end, God's love indeed has no end. Never. Always there, always pouring it out into my heart. I am the only one that cuts it off to me, He will always give it. I will have to accept it. Is it possible to replace these burdens with love? How on earth can I let myself, my wretched self be loved by God? Even more so, knowing how much God loves me, how can I not love myself? Not a selfish love but a love of someone that God made who has a purpose and who is special. Me. I am special in the eyes of God. I am loved by God. A bud forming right there, a sign, healing is beginning.
My mind wanders as I make my way down the bed; suddenly I look at the progress I've made in such a short time. This chore last year was endless because it hadn't been done the two years prior. I guess some things get overlooked during pregnancy and with a small baby. (Just a few!) I remember how demanding this was last year both physically and time consuming. Grateful, I am amazed with how well it is going and how much better it begins to look rather quickly.
Much of this I had as head knowledge but I had really been struggling with unbelief for the past year. The beginning of 2010 has shown a great healing and incredible belief. I am in awe of God and his perfect timing.
Something I've been wanting to join in on for awhile now...
1) Jesus, my savior, whose love is never ending.
2) My husband's warm lengthy hugs, and knowing just when one is needed.
3) Kids singing, "We are the pirates, who don't do anything" in silly voices.
4) God's strength in sleepless nights with sick kids.
5) Children, oh my children how I love you both to the moon and back.
6) "Mommy, just one more thing to say." At bedtime.
7) Sewing button holes on three little girl shirts.
8) Watching a movie while sewing 9 buttons on to those little girl shirts, and tidying a Spiderman appliqué on one boy shirt.
9) A husband who cooks dinner, yummy yummy dinner.
10) Children who during Mommy's 10 minute shower turn the downstairs into a rocket ship and outer space.
11) Children scrubbing with mommy 6 walls, one cabinet, one fridge door and floor clean of their space creations.
12) Even though I tend toward more natural cleaners, today I am SO thankful for that magic eraser and that it really does remove black crayon from paint.
13) A freshly mowed lawn in time for a rainy day.
14) The sun making an appearance at the end of a rainy grey day.
15) Raindrops on my face.
16) One lonely tulip blooming, knowing his friends are not far behind.
17) Living in the time of sewing machines and self-cleaning ovens.
18) An illness beginning on the eve of a spontaneous road trip to visit family. And a road trip postponed until children are back to their healthy, bouncy selves.
19) Peanut butter and chocolate chips, eaten together, on the couch while children are asleep.
20) Another amazing and glorious day to praise our creator!
21) Wearing your dress shoes to play in mommy's flowers!
22) Juicy apples
23) Dandelions picked by little fingers just for me!
24) Husband vacuuming the entire house!
25) Little boys conquering the world!