Wednesday, July 23, 2008

It's not that there's nothing bloggable going on,

for goodness sake my son told our entire church during the kids story on Sunday that our house has no dust!!! God bless that boy! I've been meaning all week to show him what it is and teach him how to get rid of it...then he'll be telling the truth!

"I planted these seeds Mommy and now they are zucchikinnis." (kinnis for short)

Dinner tonight was a new Alton Brown favorite accompanied by the first real zucchini crop and corn yummy!! We've had the last two wonderful days with Daddy home, done some housework and even got out just the two of us.

So why am I in a bit of a funk, I just don't know for sure. I do know that I'm incredibly blessed - I know it with every fiber of my being. Why then do I get so, angry/upset/hormonal about stuff? I live in a house - not a bungalow, have all the modern appliances that one needs (including a dishwasher that does nothing but bake the food onto the dishes so that's the only - by hand.) But at least that is in a sink with hot running water - not a river bed or something.

It feels fake to leave everything on this blog so happy-go-lucky fluttering up in the clouds about life when really I'm down here on the ground.. scratch that.. I'm down here in this ravine just trying to keep my head above the water.

There are days like the last two before today that I can barely tread water, I'm sinking and I have to yank out a reed to get a screeching gasp. Keeping up with the essentials seems like racing in a triathlon.

Overwhelmed is a feeling I deal with daily almost as far back as I can remember. In college, since I also procrastinate, I can remember just sitting in the library looking at a stack of books not knowing where to start. I feel constantly like I'm making the wrong decision - over analyzing, under analyzing, not researching some parenting thing enough or just not being consistent with the type of parenting from day to day.

I keep thinking someday I'll have to apologize to my son since he's the oldest for being the guinea pig. Then today I realized that while I have more tricks up my sleeve the second time around, a different child calls for even different facets of parenting. Tonight I learned that my daughter will fall back to sleep by me simply slightly bouncing her (her laying on her tummy) with my hand on her bottom. So much shorter than a huge nursing session - seriously it takes me humming just one verse of Amazing Grace! Not that I'm done nursing or anything but she's almost one (instert pathetic little cry here ;0) ) and has been waking up every hour or two and I'm sore and she's teething so we can use a few less nursing moments.

What it comes down to is encouragement and commitment and attitude and love. Among others, lots and lots of love! The days like today have there struggles, in spite of those (or because of them) we learn, grow and wonder about what tomorrow might bring. Yes, almost four year old boys are too rough and yes they push the boundaries but isn't that what they are supposed to do to learn themselves. Maybe in their own way they are telling us that if they are still making the same mistakes after many months, Mom might need to change her approach?

These times when we struggle to keep from drowning and win the parenting battles are rough but how much brighter the sun will look when find sure footing looking up at our beautiful kids growing in the blink of an eye.


Linds said...

Hey, Heidi - no-one gets everything right all the time. You are doing a great job with your two. Maybe it is time to throw out the books for a while and just enjoy them.

Feeling overwhelmed is part of the parenting thing. We all feel that way some (or most) of the time. The fact that you worry about getting it right means that in actual fact, you need NOT worry. Your best is enough. Absolutely.

It is ok to sit down for a while, and relax and do something for yourself. Re-charge the battery time. Your children will learn early that, while they are loved and valued, Mommy also needs rest. They will learn to play quietly close by. There is no way on earth that mothers are meant to entertain and interact with their babes 24 hours a day.

You are human! It is ok to be real. We have been there and know just what you are talking about.

Owlhaven said...

I have times like this too!


Grandma said...

Heidi, Linds' comment is so true. Take some time for yourself, you are entitled. In fact, MORE than entitled. Perhaps someone will come to visit and give you some time off to go play all by yourself....and before you know it, you'll be your wonderful happy loving self again (dust free or not!) You are the best :-)

Sherri said...

I've been having a lot of these moments lately too. Yesterday I finally decided that it's the hot, humid weather dragging me down. We have so much to look forward to with our weekend away this weekend and a trip to the beach with my sister and her family the next week. However, I just can't seem to mentally pull it together. I, too, am in a rut and don't know how to get out. It's nice to know that other moms feel the same way sometimes!

Stephanie said...

Overwhelmed! I'm living there now. :0 Glad you had a better day after this post. Your boy is the sweetest thing!