Monday, February 05, 2007

Forever a Perfect Fit

I am weak but thou art strong - Jesus keep me from all wrong;

In the just over three years that my son has been with us from conception, God has never been more evident to me. Since He let the miracle of life begin those three short years ago I've been ever more grateful with each passing day. Never have I been more convinced that God brings specific children into our lives for a reason just as he brings specific moments, chance meetings and wonderful people.

I'll be satisfied as long as I walk dear Lord, close to thee.

Today, we rocked as you lay on my too quickly growing belly and snuggled in close breathing me in as I you. If ever I thought about how I would rock you and snuggle you as you grew now I know that I'll always find a way. All the learning about zygotes and chromosomes and DNA and RNA just can't do this justice. I can't always find the words to say just how amazingly insignificant all that science became after seeing the evidence of God's hand at work in my womb.

Just a closer walk with Thee - Come Lord Jesus hear my plea;

God gave you to us to care for, raise up and train to fly because he's all knowing. He knows that you make our family more complete. You've actually brought our family closer to God than we've ever been and closer to each other. I'm repeatedly amazed at the lessons you teach and the thoughts you provoke in me. The things about life you make me question when you ask me "why?." Sometimes I cannot find the answer I want to give for awhile and by then you are on to something else. Then I pray that I'll hold the answer until you ask me again.

Daily walking close to Thee - Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

Now that my role as a Mother will be expanding in 6 months or so I know that God has this child planned just for our family. The next one will bring even more fullness to our lives and more wonder and joy. For an instant I wondered if we'd still have these moments together when you awoke wanting more Mommy time while your long sweeping eyelashes gently tickled my neck. I'm confident that God will give us these as we need and many other moments of catching each others eyes from across the room and you giggling saying "silly Mommy."

Through this world of toil and snares, if I falter Lord who cares?

I am suddenly and truly feeling a calm and peaceful reassurance from above that I've been trying to force myself to feel since this pregnancy began. I realized that although I said I trust whatever God had planned for us it wasn't fully in my heart yet. I relied on our first ultrasound to relieve my fears but that lasted for about a day until thoughts and doubt crept in. The second ultrasound also brought more comfort and reassurance but not a day later I began to feel more doubt sneaking into my daily thoughts.

Who with me my burden shares? None but Thee, dear Lord, none but Thee.

Learning how to trust and be close to God is not easy for one like me that tends to resist and enjoys my illusion of control. The lack of reassurance after those Dr visits is a good thing even a great thing because now I honestly can feel peaceful and trusting wholly in my Savior!

When my feeble life is o'er, time for me will be no more;

I'm most grateful that God used my sick child today as a reminder to slow down and let this song come back through my head. Tears of joy landed on soft sandy hair as I sang sitting with him by the fire as his fever chilled him knowing that we'd always have this feeling for each other and always be two neighboring pieces in the puzzle of life, no matter where God leads him.

On that bright eternal shore I will walk dear Lord, close to Thee.


Anonymous said...

Dear Heidi,
I find that trusting and walking with God brings me such peace. You are His precious child and he has given you much love to share.
I love you. Mom

owlhaven said...

This was wonderful, Heidi. That's the only way to do it!


Linds said...

Heidi, this is a wonderful post which resonates through me as I read it early in the morning. Surrendering and trusting. That is all we can do. Our God is more wonderful day by day.

Cindy said...

Heidi, thanks so much for commenting on my blog! I love your writing, and will be back frequently.

Mike said...

Love your post. Very inspiring.

Have a great Tuesday.


Anna said...

Heidi, you have me crying over here as I have a sleeping baby lying across my lap. Thanks for the reminder. God is in control. Isn't HE awesome?!

New Mama's Nest said...

Beautiful! And yes, a wonderful reminder.

Amy said...

Great post girl. Love it. I tend to remind myself when I have doubts "These aren't from you God. Please take them from my thoughts". Fear and doubt is not from Him. Love this time girl! I'd love to be pregies again! :) Amy