Waist line

Hands pruning in luke-warm dishwater, scrubbing a pan from three meals before, I can feel the joy.  The squeals from outside by the pool pull my gaze from tomato plants taller than my firstborn to the owners of the squeals.

I see them, splashing and kicking and laughing. I really see. Past the sun streaming through glass jars, the dishwater splashed windows, there is the truth, the wonder and the beauty.  Joyous!

Letting go. It is what I needed to do to find joy, stop searching.  Joy isn't something that can be put on from the outside, it only can well up from the innermost place. I've been calling this the 'summer of fun' because of the fun we've been having. Really, for me, it's the summer of joy.

We've given up bedtime for riding bikes, chores for crafts, stress for time at the city pool.  The spontaneous factor has been kicked up - usually this just kills me, I need a plan - but picnics and drives and playing and memories are well worth it.

I say: yes to playing with playdoh, even though I know the crumbly mess, painting, beads and stair sledding. Yes, I'll drop me and help you make a fort, read a book, do a puzzle, fill the swimming pool.

Halfway done, this sunny, delightful time, I feel like a warm sticky bun just pulled out and smothered in goo.  I smile more. Life goes slowly and quickly and it's always good and I can see that.

My goals for these months quickly changed from staying ahead for school in the fall to: crafts, fun, love and grace. Grace is such a little, huge word.  It is where I am learning to give what isn't deserved. First, really, I am accepting what I don't. Receiving. Giving. Really the same thing? As soon as I get a glimpse of understanding, it flees. I am grateful for the glimpse.

Not to give the illusion of perfection, there have been more of those extra-tired-over-the-top tantrums around here. Apparently, three year olds need not sleep in after seeing the previous 11pm. They become cranky and dramatic, who knew. *wink*

We are real and hurting and we hurt each other and we heal and forgive and are certainly not perfect.  These moments, I see them teaching me a greater love, a greater patience, a greater need for compassion and an unfathomable amount of grace.

I feel myself waist deep in summer, but fully immersed.  Different from that awkward feeling of waist high in the swimming pool, squealing, until we just plunge the top half down.  Giving all the nerves at the edge of the skin the same sensation, it's all they know now, the pool water, I'm not hesitant any more.  It feels ok now to be splashed, I am used to it.

To be here, waist high in summer, yet fully covered in its amazing blessings.

I had such grand thoughts of what would get done, today.

The kiss that woke me with a smile said it's morning time mommy.  It began, today.  My intentions to get caught up on the work that is mine, this home, were true. What I didn't know...that's always where I get caught off guard, like I should know how this day is going to go from that first morning kiss.  Who am I kidding!

I didn't know that plans, grander still, were in store for this day.  The laundry and dishes are still waiting but my heart is so filled with moments of now, today, here.  I saw toes and space and more kisses and hugs than the whole week before.  I wandered from room to room knitting together these moments that made today.  Sometimes it feels right to set aside, intentions and goals and focus intently what really hold us together.

My first completed knitting project, on it's handsome owner.

Space ship, complete with an escape pod, that actually detaches.

Watching How to Train Your Dragon for extra snuggle time at the end of the day.

My heart is full, of that feeling, you know the one you get when you look at a little baby.  That's how the end of today finds me, soft, tender, radiating love.

A couple weeks ago, holding a baby for the first time. I love her face!

Christmas Blessings

Christmas has come and gone, a new year waits just over the next sundown and I'm going over the last days, weeks and months in my foggy depths.  All I can see was good; it was very, very good. 

My parents are here visiting for two weeks, more than one of which has become memories.  Great memories, the kind that can live on when they fly back to New York.

We only planned a couple of things (other than the big birthday celebration last weekend) intentionally keeping it low key for everyone.  When they arrived at the airport it was amazing to see them.  I was incredibly grateful to grab them and hug them, not before my kids ran to be scooped up by the same arms that have held me at every age, however.  As soon as we arrived at home this song popped into my head and hasn't left.

 

It was a mildly warm July day, I stood outside, phone sandwiched between my ear and shoulder pacing around our patio table.  I watched my kids playing, shrieking and running as I listened to his voice, the words seemed far away.  They were almost unbelievable, I thought the tests would come back normal, but they didn't.  Indeed, my dad had prostate cancer.

I don't think I fully came to grips with it for awhile, maybe not until I saw him in flesh again last week.  He had cancer.   The rest of the summer was filled with phone calls updating on test results, scans and procedures.  Jokes about being injected with radioactive something or other the day of the bone scan and how I should look on the horizon to see if I could see him glowing from 2000 miles away.

The Dr's were positive and more importantly my Dad was positive too.  Certain that they could remove it and he would be cured.  My mom, I could tell even from afar, was an amazing assistant to him, supporting him. Even though she needed to have her own biopsy and lump removal in the middle of all of his tests, which, praise God, was cancer free. 

One day in early fall, my dad had his cancer removed.  My brother was there to be with my Mom and my kids kept me distracted.  I prayed.  It was what I could do; I was unable to get back there to hold his hand one more time or sing of God's faithfulness.  I prayed and sang with my children.  For the surgeons to work carefully and correctly, that God would let me have my dad for a bit longer.  That we still had more words to say to one another, that my kids needed more memories.  I prayed for comfort for all of us, whatever His will would be.

The process of healing began and the praises rang out towards the heavens and many weeks later one last phone call about one last test, the cancer is completely gone!  Hallelujah!  So I can sit now, between my dad and husband, crocheting on the couch and listen to them playfully taking jabs at one another and hear his footsteps on my floor.  I found myself this Christmas, kneeling humbly at the foot of the manger whispering to the only innocent babe, thank you, thank you for one more Christmas.

He's always been faithful to me. 

Interweave

Some days my heart is heavy, until God picks it up.  I often think of the poorest of people and how they can even smile on a day they haven't had anything to eat.  My thoughts wonder if their children can bring a chuckle out of them, even if they can't bring home clean water, the way my son knows just the right time to bring in the silly. 

The subject of giving came up in my Pilates class last Friday and as we begin a set of leg lifts, I mention blessing others with clean water in the third world.  Immediately two women, who I adore, began talking at once, and they are not saying the words I expected to hear.  My brain is trying to take in what they both are now alternating as my leg is rotating in circles.  I lead another change in exercise, on to inner thighs now, I process.

First's argument is that the government will just come and undo whatever good is done upon the do-gooders departure.  Second's argument is she'd rather help those in our country before helping other countries.

I am able to overcome First's perspective right away from what I have been told first hand from several different missionaries overseas.  Sadly, I'm sure this has happened, but God has asked us to give.  Should we really think that not giving is better than giving that is torn away.  Most of what I know is that the governments allow the people to help and tolerate their presence.

Sitting up, we stretch, prayers stretching heavenward, God there are 12 other people in this class please let them not be swayed by these two opinionated, bold women.  Sending my other side down onto the mat, I give simple directions, everyone knows we are repeating the same exercises, perfect opportunity for me to start talking and just as I do three other women pipe up and respectfully disagree with First's harshness.

I move on as Second still insistently says I'm going to help my own first.  There is a lul, why does it have to be one or the other, I offer.  Why can't it just be giving to those who are needy, regardless of the lines that mark them in somewhere or out otherwhere?  I find soft smiles in a couple of quiet women.  I wonder if they think I'm stuck in my ideals not really knowing that the world is a sin laden broken place. I know, which is why I hope I'm always stuck here.

I am purposed in my words, if there is such a need then who are we if we do not give.  I agree, there are poorest of poor people here, where the lines tell us we one, and I love giving to our local food banks, battered women's shelters and the like.  The difference I find is that our government has programs in place to aid many needy the vast majority of whom have access to clean, safe drinking water. 

The third world has no programs, nobody hears the cry of the parents for their children, nobody reaches their hands out and how could they.  A missionary told our church on Sunday that half of Haiti does not eat on any given day.  50%.  How can I comprehend, I feed a snack loving three year old 6 times a day. 
 
Back to stretching and reaching upward, I am reminded that Jesus said, "The poor you will always have with you." (Mark 14:7)  I wonder if we will always have them so that we can always have more opportunities to be his hands and feet.  More days to say, yes Jesus, I will feed and nourish your children, like you feed and nourish me. 

Some days my heart is light because I give it to Him - the Great giver of joy- upon waking.  Joy, the more of life I experience, the more it is revealed, only comes from one place.  Joy is not revealed in how perfect our lives look, how we feel on the inside or look on the outside.  Feelings, appearances, careers are all so mercurial.  I imagine there is a silly boy on the other side of the world, bringing forth a smile from his mother's dry lips only because of that Joy.

Undeserved and freely given

Two days ago my son says to his sister as we are driving home, "When I get to heaven, I'm gonna run and give Jesus a big long hug."  To which his sister replied emphatically, "yeah, me too!"  He looks to me and asks, "Mommy, isn't that gonna be great?"  "Yup" I almost whisper, as I think about it, "in a very long time, when you are very old and wise it IS gonna be great."

I think about this life that we have been gifted.  We can run to Jesus now too.  He is waiting with his arms of grace and mercy to cloak us in.

He is here now and yet how many times do I turn away.  Thinking I can do it alone like my stubborn strong willed three year old, or mistakenly thinking I have to do it by my own accord.  How many times must I learn this very same thing?  How many times must I run away before I listen to the whisper in the deepest part of my soul, "Run to me!" 

He is calling us to run to Him!  The enormity of His grace is constantly boggling to my mind lately.  The vastness of it all, it covers the most horrid of sins when I turn to Him and yet still my broken heart sins again and again.  The most wonderful thing I am learning this year is that when I stumble and turn to run towards him I see just how astronomical His love for all humanity is.  Then I can find praise in the one who sets me free.  I will always have this broken sinful heart on this earth, but one day in the very distant future I will be made whole and yes my son, it will be truly great!

By Your Side -  Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you


This head knowledge is nothing new most Christians today, I am aware.  What is new to me and showing me the enormity of this grace is trying to extend that grace to those around me.  To show those I love this grace instead of irritability.  When they don't deserve it.  To show them compassion instead of anger.  It is not easy.  To freely give myself to them and love them with no strings attached.  To extend to them that loving act of mercy.

I have been praying for my head knowledge to turn into heart knowledge that pours forth into my life - really applying it.  So here I am like a baby nursing, I work and work and then I fall asleep, let go and let the Holy Spirit wash over and show me how to have mercy and grace.  How much it must break Jesus' heart when I feel like I must try to do, do, do what HE already did.  He did the work already and I bet it only breaks his heart because it causes us undo pain and tumoil.  Instead of just falling asleep and cuddling into the peace of His warmth and goodness. 

Truth.

This morning as we were getting ready I was having a discussion with my son about the choices we make to be kind or hurtful. Acknowledging that we are very imperfect and cannot always do right by others, but even though a goal of perfection is indeed unattainable we still need to try in each and every situation to control ourselves and treat others with kindness.

In passing, I mention to my husband my incomplete list of family rules and a desire to hang them so we have a visual reminder of the behavior that is expected from all members of our home. Nathan sits quietly on our bed listening to this quick exchange. After a brief pause he asks, "what are the fruits of the spirit again Mommy?"

Together we answer, "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

"See mommy, that can be our rules to do all these things."

Amen.

Spring Cleaning

Written March 31, 2010....

Most of us know the drill. After a windy, cold, wet winter our flower beds need a bit of a face lift. Crispy dull leaves thrown around by wintry winds caught beneath their budding branches, bushes begin to show signs of new life. Tiny green leaves eventually bursting forth in the warm spring sunshine.

So too, our minds and hearts can use a de-cluttering. A time to rid our hearts of the disarray that we hold onto which keeps us unnecessarily in bondage. Allowing ourselves freedom from the burdens that are too horrible to mention but to a select few on this earth. Ours are hearts that have these places, like the bases of my bushes, the burdens and guilt can get stuck there going seemingly unnoticed. Dull, in the dreary dark we cling instead of letting them go, completely letting Jesus pay that price for us - for it all, yes, even what we dare not mention.

As I put on last year’s well worn gloves (they ripped up a fair share of sod a year ago) I note the damage and think about buying a new pair. These are my gloves; my fingers know them, each finger hugged by the worn leather. They are known. They are mine. A new pair, certainly unknown, needed none the less.

So too is life with these burdens, I've held them all so long. I know them well, I own them, and I even chose them. Letting myself be forgiven for them? I don't know for sure what life will look like if I lay them all down at the foot of the cross. Is Jesus really big enough for all that? He really did become sin, He who knew no sin, for me. For me, for this! Yes, Heidi. For this! Yes, my head knows, why will my heart not let it go? Why will my own heart not forgive?

As I work, filling a box with crisp leaves, the smells bring me back to autumn for a moment. The dying. The death. Appropriate for this Easter week. I turn my face to the sunshine while putting a handful of leaves in the box and a warm smile crosses my face and goes deep into my soul.

I know that I must let these burdens die with Jesus, there on the cross. The price. Oh so costly. Paid by the One who didn't deserve it. First the death, but after the death of autumn and the cold, endless winter, a celebration of life and resurrection!

I begin pulling out grasses and rearranging the rock border, man the grass roots go on forever. I follow the root for as far as I can and it seems never to end.  Finally it breaks in my hand and I leave it, knowing in a few more weeks I'll have to pull it again.

I aknowledge that though these roots may not seem to end, God's love indeed has no end. Never. Always there, always pouring it out into my heart. I am the only one that cuts it off to me, He will always give it. I will have to accept it. Is it possible to replace these burdens with love? How on earth can I let myself, my wretched self be loved by God? Even more so, knowing how much God loves me, how can I not love myself? Not a selfish love but a love of someone that God made who has a purpose and who is special. Me. I am special in the eyes of God. I am loved by God. A bud forming right there, a sign, healing is beginning.

The sun is warming my back as I work and makes my dull mommy hair shine as it hangs beside my face. Pulling more weeds I stack a rock pile of random stones.

The Son, who rose victorious, can shine an even greater light in my heart. He has conquered this life and rose victorious. He alone can heal these wounds and in the four months since I have given them up to Him, miracles have happened. Miracles. I couldn't do in years what He has now begun.

My mind wanders as I make my way down the bed; suddenly I look at the progress I've made in such a short time. This chore last year was endless because it hadn't been done the two years prior. I guess some things get overlooked during pregnancy and with a small baby. (Just a few!) I remember how demanding this was last year both physically and time consuming. Grateful, I am amazed with how well it is going and how much better it begins to look rather quickly.

At this commencing of my journey really forgiving, really loving, really giving it all up, I am encouraged to think that as the years go by, continually laying all my burdens down the healing will continue. Each year, each week, each minute that passes means it will become easier and more wonderful to live life forgiven. Breaking the bondage. Truly knowing that life is worth the living because of the Son. The Son who shines his love on even me.

****

Much of this I had as head knowledge but I had really been struggling with unbelief for the past year. The beginning of 2010 has shown a great healing and incredible belief. I am in awe of God and his perfect timing.

*****

Something I've been wanting to join in on for awhile now...





 
1) Jesus, my savior, whose love is never ending.


2) My husband's warm lengthy hugs, and knowing just when one is needed.

3) Kids singing, "We are the pirates, who don't do anything" in silly voices.

4) God's strength in sleepless nights with sick kids.

5) Children, oh my children how I love you both to the moon and back.

6) "Mommy, just one more thing to say." At bedtime.

7) Sewing button holes on three little girl shirts.

8) Watching a movie while sewing 9 buttons on to those little girl shirts, and tidying a Spiderman appliqué on one boy shirt.

9) A husband who cooks dinner, yummy yummy dinner.

10) Children who during Mommy's 10 minute shower turn the downstairs into a rocket ship and outer space.

11) Children scrubbing with mommy 6 walls, one cabinet, one fridge door and floor clean of their space creations.

12) Even though I tend toward more natural cleaners, today I am SO thankful for that magic eraser and that it really does remove black crayon from paint.

13) A freshly mowed lawn in time for a rainy day.

14) The sun making an appearance at the end of a rainy grey day.

15) Raindrops on my face.

16) One lonely tulip blooming, knowing his friends are not far behind.

17) Living in the time of sewing machines and self-cleaning ovens.

18) An illness beginning on the eve of a spontaneous road trip to visit family. And a road trip postponed until children are back to their healthy, bouncy selves.

19) Peanut butter and chocolate chips, eaten together, on the couch while children are asleep.

20) Another amazing and glorious day to praise our creator!

21) Wearing your dress shoes to play in mommy's flowers!

22) Juicy apples

23) Dandelions picked by little fingers just for me!

24) Husband vacuuming the entire house!

25) Little boys conquering the world!

Forgiven

Growing up I was always very confused about lent.  Ok, so we give something up for lent.  Candy? Mouthing off to our parents? Meat on Fridays?  Lying? Yelling?  Alcohol? So what? Then six weeks later we just go back to living the same life we were living before.  It never made any sense to me whatsoever.  I gave up giving up for Lent in all of my adult life.

Today I read How a Lent that Fails Actually Succeeds at Holy Experience and now I understand.  How this preparation time proves that we cannot do it at all, for any length of time on our own. 

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 8-10 NIV

Forgiven by Sanctus Real

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I am reminded of the wrong that I have said and done
And that devil just won’t let me forget

In this life I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms I know what I am
I’m forgiven I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who
I’ve been ’cause I’m forgiven

And my mistakes are running through my mind
And I relive my days in the middle of the night
And I struggle with my pain
And wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry

When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘Cause ….

In this life I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms I know what I am
I’m forgiven I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who
I’ve been ’cause I’m forgiven

The honesty of it, straight to my heart

This morning on our way home from the gym my five year old decided to have a really horrible attitude.  It began as soon as he got into the truck and worsened with each fastening seatbelt.  Each click making the doom and gloom inescapable.

One sad choice followed by another sad action followed by lots of sad words. I did what I could; before I even pulled out of the parking lot he had lost his water and toy.  That's when the hurtful words began. "I don't have you guys in my heart anymore."  God please give me wisdom. I never know what to do when he says this; nothing I am doing is working please help.

I have told him before that my love can never be taken away from him, it is a forever.  My love.  I’ve said always, 'I will always love you.  I will always love you.'  Still he is fickle with his words about love.

In the car stopped at a light, unsure of what to do (Please God give me wisdom) I tell him his words are hurtful to both me and his sister.  His sister then generously hands him a batman that she's playing with exclaiming, "Me give Nathan Batman, me nice, me nice, me share."  She is obviously more forgiving than I. Perhaps trying to stay on my good side.

Nathan then replies, "Gabi you are back in my heart."  Love isn't something earned or purchased with gifts.  Some giggles begin and I was about to let the whole thing go as I accelerated the car to the speed limit eager to get home, out of my sweaty clothes and showered.  Thankful for deoderant.

More sad words and his consequence is handing over batman to me.  Please God give me wisdom, I'm not being an effective parent and I can feel it.  You have to give me the wisdom; I can't find it on my own.

Batman snuggled in my purse I hear his voice begin timid growing more intense with each word, "Mommy, you are not in my heart and I do NOT love you AND I want to go live with another family."

Really. I pause (for a long time I pause) eventually to calmly reply, almost comatose, "You hurt my feelings and I'm not going to be able to talk right now."  Can the light turn green so we can make the next few turns and be home already?

Wisdom Lord, where is the wisdom, please, I am begging.  He starts to talk and I actually tune him out. I turn into the driveway and pull into the garage.

Can I leave him buckled in his car seat until he has a change of heart?  As I get out of the driver's door, I open my daughter's door greeting her with a cheerful smile.  Unclicking and hugging her as I turn to my much loved son politely saying, "I will give you five minutes here, and then if your heart is grateful and happy and loving I will unbuckle you."  Guess there is a perk that his car seat is difficult to unbuckle after all.

I shut the door not wanting to hear any response.  Because I love him.  Because God loves him and created him to be a special little boy.  Because he cannot treat the woman who's done everything for him for nearly five and a half years this way, I am a great Mom.

Soap bubbles scrub tiny fingers (though not so tiny as they once were) and then long fingers.  "Dry, dry, dry" we sing.  Peanut butter and raspberry jam is smeared on the last few slices of bread.  Triangles are his favorite.  Sitting my daughter on a stool, I place two triangles in front of her and two in front of the empty stool next to her. We pray. I kiss her head telling her mommy will be right back.

It is time; I have to do this right. I am a fabulous Mom, he is a fabulous boy.  God please let me say the words that will mean something to him please let me speak to his heart.  Feet reluctantly stepping back out to the garage and around to his side of the truck.  Deep breath, fighting back welling tears.

I open his door, look him in the eye, it's no use fighting and a lone tear slowly slides down my cheek. "Hi. Are you ready to be grateful and happy?"

He looks at me and looking away again responds with a defeated, "yes."

Again finding his eyes I say delicately, "You told me you didn't love me" –pause- "and that hurt my feelings and makes me sad."  Tears are racing down now and my eyes close for a second to try to compose myself.  A cold little hand touches my left cheek and then another on my right. My eyes open and we hug repairing the hurt between us.

-unclick-unclick-

"Your words have power and meaning.  Words can hurt.  Words should not be chosen for hurting but for loving. I love you and I love the special place you have in our family.  You are a special boy and God gave you to our family.  We love you very much and thank God for you."

"I love you Mommy."

A sparkle came back to his eyes that I hadn't seen in awhile so I continued, "You are a gift from God and I do my best (so far from perfect) but I don't think I've been telling you lately how special you are to me and what a special place you have in my heart.  In this family, you are the one who keeps us laughing and playing, you are the one who makes us belly laugh and smile and you are the one who loves, giggles, cries, teaches, yells and sings.  You are special to me."

I don't remember much of the rest of the conversation as we headed back into the house.  I used to be a yeller, get angry and use my emotions and words as a sword but now, with God to help me maybe I can breath, talk, remain calm, shed a tear and maybe, just maybe break the cycle of anger.  Because my kids, they deserve to be lifted up.

Words can be like little pins poking just under the surface of our skin. Where our self-confidence meets our insecurities they travel, each letter of every word reaching further in threatening our very heart.

The world hurts us, thicker skin, remember for next time, and don’t let those letters in so deep. Don't feel so much pain, don't let them past this part, make it tougher.  It is easy to become hardened by the world sometimes by those in the world closest to us.  They are the ones we hurt the most because we know just where to send those pointy words, just where to shoot the letters to get in.

I'm hoping that God can make my skin softer for my family. A thick skin toward the world and its harsh opinions can be a good thing, but for my family I am asking to be softer, gentler keeping strong as mother, wife and woman. Softer and open so I can feel the effects of both my words and those of the ones I love. All the way into my heart.

I sat down to write silly, but my heart wasn't in it.

My heart is aching for the people of Haiti. 

This is not something that began with the news of today, though it does.  My heart has ached for Haiti ever since I found out the average Haitian eats 3-4 meals a week. I ate that many meals today.

They now suffer a catastrophe, a huge catastrophe. Already poor, already hungry and now incredible grief.

It is impossible for us to see through God's eyes. He sees all those people, he knows them all down to the number of hairs on their heads, and now more than ever, he holds them up. May he squeeze the people of Haiti even tighter today, helping them come together in rescue efforts, giving them guidance, direction, aid, strength and the knowledge that while we sit and feel helpless to do for them, we do what we can, we will pray.

Sunday

You may have heard this before, but I just heard it this past Wednesday at a bible study I've been going to since September. I searched a bit, found many different versions, but could not find anyone to give credit to.

A little boy approaches a pastor and politely says “Excuse me, sir?"  To which the pastor replied, "Yes?" Then bent down to the boys level on one knee. "You said everyone should have Jesus in their hearts, right?" The boy asked, uncomfortably playing with his untucked shirt.

"That's right, son." The pastor replied "Does He live in your heart?"

"Well, I'd like Him to," the boy said, nervously. "But I keep thinking Jesus is a big tall man and I'm so little, He's just too big – He's just gonna stick out all over!"

On to the second week of 2010 (anyone else writing '010) we go, one day at a time. Taking the time each day to let Jesus out of us to touch one another, something simple, something that shows we care, we've been there or a simple prayer.
It's possible I've been reading too much Dr. Seuss this year already. :) Really, Jesus is too big to stay captive in our hearts, lets let him burst out of us this year and shine His blessings.

More Love

You know how sometimes there's a theme that keeps happening over and over in your life.  Well apparently that's going on here because today's sermon was on loving one another.  And God is really driving the nail in here...

This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righteous. Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. 1 John 3:11-13

I know that we are saved not by works but by grace in faith and I feel that God is leading me towards something that I haven't quite figured out yet.  I truly do care about people and it is wonderful to have such an amazing teacher to show me how to love even if I'll never be perfect at it.

Ring The Bells

Ring the Bells, ring the bells.
Let the whole world know Christ was born in Bethlehem many years ago.

Born to die that man might live, came to earth new life to give,
Born of Mary, born so low many years ago.

God the Father gave His Son, Gave His own Beloved One
To this wicked, sinful earth to bring man kind His love new birth

Ring the bells, ring the bells,
Let the whole world know Christ the Savior lives today
As He did so long ago!

There are twelve more minutes left of Thanksgiving and I can't sleep. This is extremely rare for me as usually I'm asleep leaning on my husband on the couch or at the very least as soon as my cheek sinks into the pillow.

Today was fabulous and even though I miss my family I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for the gift of having people to love.

"Love one another, even as I have loved you." Jesus said these words. He did not say 'love your family' or 'love the people you like' or 'love the things people do or have.' He said LOVE ONE ANOTHER. This love he speaks of is sadly so foreign to our culture, isn't it just year ago that a poor man was trampled to death so that people could buy stuff? This is not love, at least not a love for people, it is a love for stuff. It's just stuff, loving the people in our life is the thing that brings us the most reward, the most happiness and the most fulfillment. Even though or I guess in spite of this love, as sinners, people have caused others (even loved ones) great pain.

1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins." Amen to that, I have been hurt by those I love many times sometimes it is hard but I'll always love them. I'm certain I have hurt those I care most about too, I'm a sinner just the same I can try not to hurt them but I, like you am a fallen, imperfect person.

I began thinking about the word fervent, intense passion, with great zeal, hot and fiery are some of it's definitions paraphrased. What does fervent love look like? What does it mean to love our spouses and our kids fervently? Compassion, a willingness to serve them, even discipline. We still discipline those we love, because we love. What does it feel like to keep fervent in our love for our family and friends? Do they feel that love? What does it sound like to show intense feelings of love to a total stranger? How does his love act? Does it mean an encouraging smile to a mom with a tantrum crazed toddler or just being pleasant to those around you even if they are not.

This brings me to my next long passage, Romans 12:9-21 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:  "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Now that today is done and another today has begun sleep is beginning to fog my thoughts. I bid sweet dreams and pray that God will teach me this love and implant it into the hearts of my children and all of the world, especially through the upcoming Christmas season. Will You please open my eyes to ways that I can show this love to those closest to me as well as those I've never met. Please forgive me for the times I haven't been loving to others and please keep giving me opportunities to show Your love. I thank you Lord for people to love.

Full Relationships

I've recently been convicted about something. I've been terrible at sending birthday gifts, cards and general well wishes. I still haven't sent my Mom, Dad or sister their birthday cards or gifts from July and August.(I know, GASP!)

Part of it is that it's hard to pick out gifts(we have only one car), get to the post office (expensive to send) and how many other excuses - for people that live across the country. But they are not just people, they are MY people.

This video shows a school teacher, Mr. Stroup, who writes to all of the students he's ever taught on their birthdays. All 2,500 of them, every year! It is so sweet and encouraging.

I'm sure that my family would have appreciated even a hand written letter on lined paper. I know they appreciated that I called and emailed and facebooked them all to acknowledge their day. My family all tell me it's okay because I'm busy with my life and my kids. While it might be okay, my life is NOT about me and I'm not outwardly showing that to those closest to me. I desire for them to know that even though I'm busy, I took time out especially and just for them. Because YOU are that special to me!

John, chapter 4 tells of Jesus and the woman at the well. I never really got what others I knew so deeply loved about this passage. Living water, yes, that is very important. The thing that hit me this past week however was that Jesus spoke to a Samaritan woman. You might think, big deal. Yes, big deal! Not only was she a Samaritan, but a woman, and an outcast or at least not very well liked by the others. She had to come get her water in the heat of the day when no one else would be there. She had five husbands and was living with another man, she was a sinner, in a big way!

He was all about relationships and He always had time for others, even in his own weariness. No matter how noble or humble their lives were, He cared for them. He didn't miss an opportunity because He was too tired from His journey, He made no excuse or complaint. He loves every one of us and I believe he wants us to have a life full of the relationships of those around us. He wants us to care and love one another as He loves us.

I know that no matter how hard any of us tries we'll never be perfect at loving others like Jesus was in his life on earth nor as he loves us still. We are not capable of the perfect love of God, yet another reason we need His Son! Does this then mean that we shouldn't try, just because we won't be perfect. Of course not, the reward is the fulfilling lifelong relationships with those we love. Reaching out to them not to show perfection or out of obligation but desiring them enough to do something small to let them know just how big they are to our hearts.

My Knight In Shining Armor

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18

How Deep The Father's Love For Us

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Words and Music by Stuart Townend

Click here to hear

A Gift

Steph from Adventures in Babywearing wrote yesterday about 'This is the day' and it spoke to me. Especially the following paragraph:

Who am I to lament the day I did not create? I only live in it. I am so blessed to live in it.

Thank God that we get to live in it!! I'm reminded again how encouraging it is to read other blogs, so real and what a blessing these other Moms are. Even if I don't know them in real life, there's still a connection through writings that I'm so grateful for!

Comfort

Words that surround me like a cozy blanket and a warm cup of cocoa.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

Psalm 61:2-4 NIV

Sunday

But just as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us—see that you also excel in this grace of giving.

I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich.

For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have.

Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality, as it is written: "He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little."

2 Corinthians 8:7-9,12-16 (NIV)

The emphasis in the above verses is mine. I have been reading and rereading these words since August and I was thrilled back then when I found these verses. They were just like water to quench my thirst. My desire to give is great it is just the direction the generosity takes that shifts.

When I first stumbled upon them, these words spoke to me as to what I want to do with my life - other than Mommy - I feel there is another purpose for me that has not yet become. One where I can use my deep feelings of giving and compassion on a daily basis, perhaps starting up a not for profit, for now my focus is my young children and if I still have a blog in the future we all may see how this plays out.

Now that this Christmas season is upon us I've decided to use my desire to give to those who are truly needy. Basically, I'm giving things that I would want to get which this year are not necessarily tangibles. Yeah, I'd love a new dishwasher, some really nice gloves for gardening and maybe a couple fruit trees for the backyard. But really, truly I LOVE giving and feel awkward receiving.

My husband on several Christmases has lavished me with gifts and while I do adore that he does this for me, honestly it makes me feel weird sitting there opening up gifts. It's just one of those uncomfortable moments all eyes watching and then at the end of it all a feeling of emptiness that lasts through a massive Christmas feast that would feed an entire village elsewhere in the world.

He does know this about me now, he asked before our wedding if I wanted a $5,000 ring or to go on a honeymoon for 10 days to Jamaica - ah, yeah I'd wear a bottle cap on my finger every day to go back to the warm water scuba diving fruit loving beautiful Jamaican people. But I've gotten off point slightly.

This Christmas season, I'm choosing NOT to get stressed out about the stuff and hoping that my plenty can provide for anothers need. How do you keep yourself charged and at peace this season? Care to share, leave me a comment or link up if you post.

Embrace

To give myself some time to more fully appreciate real life I'm taking a small blogging break. It's been a weird week as my husband was in the ER last week.We are glad it's nothing serious, it's Bell's Palsy. Which means the right side of his face is paralyzed - temporarily! It should resolve in a few weeks but I'm on over load for some reason.

Happy, no. Thrilled, no. Ecstatic, no. There isn't a positive enough word for what I am that he didn't have a stroke, doesn't have a tumor or MS or any other life altering/threatening issue. Just adjusting to what this is and praying it too shall pass...

In the mean time I'm just embracing my laugh lines, (and family a bit tighter) and making more! More laugh lines that is - not making more family members or anything ;)