Waist line

Hands pruning in luke-warm dishwater, scrubbing a pan from three meals before, I can feel the joy.  The squeals from outside by the pool pull my gaze from tomato plants taller than my firstborn to the owners of the squeals.

I see them, splashing and kicking and laughing. I really see. Past the sun streaming through glass jars, the dishwater splashed windows, there is the truth, the wonder and the beauty.  Joyous!

Letting go. It is what I needed to do to find joy, stop searching.  Joy isn't something that can be put on from the outside, it only can well up from the innermost place. I've been calling this the 'summer of fun' because of the fun we've been having. Really, for me, it's the summer of joy.

We've given up bedtime for riding bikes, chores for crafts, stress for time at the city pool.  The spontaneous factor has been kicked up - usually this just kills me, I need a plan - but picnics and drives and playing and memories are well worth it.

I say: yes to playing with playdoh, even though I know the crumbly mess, painting, beads and stair sledding. Yes, I'll drop me and help you make a fort, read a book, do a puzzle, fill the swimming pool.

Halfway done, this sunny, delightful time, I feel like a warm sticky bun just pulled out and smothered in goo.  I smile more. Life goes slowly and quickly and it's always good and I can see that.

My goals for these months quickly changed from staying ahead for school in the fall to: crafts, fun, love and grace. Grace is such a little, huge word.  It is where I am learning to give what isn't deserved. First, really, I am accepting what I don't. Receiving. Giving. Really the same thing? As soon as I get a glimpse of understanding, it flees. I am grateful for the glimpse.

Not to give the illusion of perfection, there have been more of those extra-tired-over-the-top tantrums around here. Apparently, three year olds need not sleep in after seeing the previous 11pm. They become cranky and dramatic, who knew. *wink*

We are real and hurting and we hurt each other and we heal and forgive and are certainly not perfect.  These moments, I see them teaching me a greater love, a greater patience, a greater need for compassion and an unfathomable amount of grace.

I feel myself waist deep in summer, but fully immersed.  Different from that awkward feeling of waist high in the swimming pool, squealing, until we just plunge the top half down.  Giving all the nerves at the edge of the skin the same sensation, it's all they know now, the pool water, I'm not hesitant any more.  It feels ok now to be splashed, I am used to it.

To be here, waist high in summer, yet fully covered in its amazing blessings.

Collecting Love

Packing boxes yesterday, my daughter walks in grinning ear to ear, "Here mommy! It's for you, a beautiful flower!"

Love.

She's happy to have something to give.

Her brother follows a moment later, with hands full of yellow love.  Again, I can see the warm emotion, he too is happy to have something to give.  Over and over, for some time, in and out.  Running fast, tripping a time or two. Short legs returning over and over to give, freely, happily....truly joy-ful.

Gift Love Joy

Sparkly eyes giving love, in the form of a weed.   Isn't that weed me?  I can be a weed, so broken and despised but only through love am I turned around right.  Used for love, me, a simple weed.

Love transforms
(Written Sunday, March 27)

We've been away, visiting family and return now, full of thanks and love.
The list from our 12 day gallivant...



158. gazing at the waning gibbous moon following the car window
159. heavy eyelids allowing sleep
160. purple mountains majesty

 161. snow gleaming mountains
162. desert highlands and sagebrush
163. all living plants leaning with the wind
164. husband driving endlessly
165. dozing in the long sunshine
166. The Cricket in Times Square speeding the journey along

167. clouds blanketing mountains





 168. rocks
169. The Solid Rock


170. rocks making a line of shade for ants

 171. humming bird calling
172. kids going on a hummingbird hunt
173. bare feet on sun speckled cement
174. anxious smiles
175. grandma hugs
176. dim sum
177. grandma laughs
178. mercy me, the generous mr love well on repeat
179. dancing all silly with kids
180. snack breaks

181. dandelions, snugly together

182. generous smiles
183. parks
184. sun warming jeans and toes
185. flip-flops
186. thump of a baseball into it's mitt home
187. father and son playing ball
188. husbands smirk
189. leaves, speaking in the wind
190. wheels round rolling
191. strong muscles
192. cardboard boxes
193. hand cream
194. little boy, late night snuggles
195. overtired kids keeping emotions in check
196. backs, vertebrae many and one in a spine strong
197. girls swinging legs
198. unpacking, finding a place for grandma things
199. kids snuggling with grandma
200. moms grateful for children
201. moms hugging sons
202. air mattresses
203. freeways, wide and open
204. peaceful drives, kids occupied
205. brothers greeting
206. birthday parties
207. family gathering
208. children exploring the unfamiliar
209. salads with apple and tangerine
210. eucalyptus trees
211. family opening their homes
212. generosity
213. Aunts
214. fun and games
215. afternoon relaxing in gorgeous backyard
216. hummingbirds darting

217. hawks returning and leaving their nest
218. pine trees
219. an Aunt reading books to eager kids

220. uncle and husband chatting computer language
221. sister-in-laws
222. remembering how to drive in CA traffic
223. sand

224. beach rocks gathered by strong husband hands
225. each rock it's own color
226. kids racing with waves

227. little girl, hesitant at first, feeling safe in the shallow swells

228. little boy jumping and screaming with delight through the waves
229. mama eyes, watching with delight
230. Great Aunts and Uncles
231. sleep coming to small eyelids
232. city streets
233. parking meters
234. "your mom and I got married up on that rooftop"
235. seals, sprawling on jagged rocks for sleep
236. seals, awkwardly moving on sand
237. seals, gracefully swimming
238. fish tacos
239. smelling the sea breeze
240. just being together
241. dirty laundry bag (smelling like the ocean)
242. choked up good-byes
243. favorite drive up the coast
244. reconnecting
245. HOT spring cali day
246. walking in Santa Barbara
247. "this is where your dad and I met each other"
248. ice cream on the pier

249. holding hands

















250. carrying the one with the tiny legs

251. little one snuggling face into my shoulder, hugging tight
252. Hugging my Gram!
253. comfort in old memories while making new ones
254. kids pulling out old favorite books for Great Gram to read 'Stop That Ball' 'The Big Red Pajama Wagon' 'Keeko'

255. Gram's smile

256. "Good morning God, this is your day. I am your child, show me your way."
257. More Aunts, Uncles and cousins - more family together
258. glass of wine, chatting with the gals
259. clam chowder
260. juicy strawberries
261. lemons

262. kids finding new games (and the willing participants)

263. cousins playing card war
264. making up
265. tire swing
266. deer staring at us, right out the window, for a very long minute
267. orange juice, fresh sqeezed
268. sunsets
269. rolling coastal hills, green from rain
270. surfers entertaining
271. tears welling, driving away
272. lips turning upward at memories
273. 14 hours in the car together
274. home in our own beds

I had such grand thoughts of what would get done, today.

The kiss that woke me with a smile said it's morning time mommy.  It began, today.  My intentions to get caught up on the work that is mine, this home, were true. What I didn't know...that's always where I get caught off guard, like I should know how this day is going to go from that first morning kiss.  Who am I kidding!

I didn't know that plans, grander still, were in store for this day.  The laundry and dishes are still waiting but my heart is so filled with moments of now, today, here.  I saw toes and space and more kisses and hugs than the whole week before.  I wandered from room to room knitting together these moments that made today.  Sometimes it feels right to set aside, intentions and goals and focus intently what really hold us together.

My first completed knitting project, on it's handsome owner.

Space ship, complete with an escape pod, that actually detaches.

Watching How to Train Your Dragon for extra snuggle time at the end of the day.

My heart is full, of that feeling, you know the one you get when you look at a little baby.  That's how the end of today finds me, soft, tender, radiating love.

A couple weeks ago, holding a baby for the first time. I love her face!

Christmas Blessings

Christmas has come and gone, a new year waits just over the next sundown and I'm going over the last days, weeks and months in my foggy depths.  All I can see was good; it was very, very good. 

My parents are here visiting for two weeks, more than one of which has become memories.  Great memories, the kind that can live on when they fly back to New York.

We only planned a couple of things (other than the big birthday celebration last weekend) intentionally keeping it low key for everyone.  When they arrived at the airport it was amazing to see them.  I was incredibly grateful to grab them and hug them, not before my kids ran to be scooped up by the same arms that have held me at every age, however.  As soon as we arrived at home this song popped into my head and hasn't left.

 

It was a mildly warm July day, I stood outside, phone sandwiched between my ear and shoulder pacing around our patio table.  I watched my kids playing, shrieking and running as I listened to his voice, the words seemed far away.  They were almost unbelievable, I thought the tests would come back normal, but they didn't.  Indeed, my dad had prostate cancer.

I don't think I fully came to grips with it for awhile, maybe not until I saw him in flesh again last week.  He had cancer.   The rest of the summer was filled with phone calls updating on test results, scans and procedures.  Jokes about being injected with radioactive something or other the day of the bone scan and how I should look on the horizon to see if I could see him glowing from 2000 miles away.

The Dr's were positive and more importantly my Dad was positive too.  Certain that they could remove it and he would be cured.  My mom, I could tell even from afar, was an amazing assistant to him, supporting him. Even though she needed to have her own biopsy and lump removal in the middle of all of his tests, which, praise God, was cancer free. 

One day in early fall, my dad had his cancer removed.  My brother was there to be with my Mom and my kids kept me distracted.  I prayed.  It was what I could do; I was unable to get back there to hold his hand one more time or sing of God's faithfulness.  I prayed and sang with my children.  For the surgeons to work carefully and correctly, that God would let me have my dad for a bit longer.  That we still had more words to say to one another, that my kids needed more memories.  I prayed for comfort for all of us, whatever His will would be.

The process of healing began and the praises rang out towards the heavens and many weeks later one last phone call about one last test, the cancer is completely gone!  Hallelujah!  So I can sit now, between my dad and husband, crocheting on the couch and listen to them playfully taking jabs at one another and hear his footsteps on my floor.  I found myself this Christmas, kneeling humbly at the foot of the manger whispering to the only innocent babe, thank you, thank you for one more Christmas.

He's always been faithful to me. 

A+

I am currently on cloud nine from this fantastic holiday weekend.  I was reminded of a quote this morning by Dr. Suess, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."  I just can't stop smiling. 

The couple days before Thanksgiving I prepped and made most of the dishes I was in charge of and that helped to make this one of the smoothest Thanksgivings we've hosted.  The other biggie is that along with frying the turkey, my wonderful husband made the pumpkin bread pudding dessert and potato gratin dishes.  He was working in the kitchen the night before while I was top stitching my reversible Thanksgiving/Christmas placemats.  I wouldn't be me if I weren't doing something at the last minute *smirk*.

Thanksgiving was a wonderful day filled with friends and family, a ton of food (given) and games!  The younger kids also watched a bit of a veggietales marathon as it began to get toward bedtime.  Just a perfect day. 

After sleeping in on Friday and eating chocolate chip pancakes, we hit a bunch of stores to get some Christmas shopping started.  I've never shopped on 'black friday' and for a first experience it was very mellow.  Busy. Indeed!  But all we ran into was friendly people and some very good deals.  Now we are almost done with shopping!

Saturday had a couple of highlights.  One was the new disney movie Tangled. A bit intense at times for the three year old but all around very fun for the rest of us.  My boy sat on the edge of his seat for most of it!

Then we walked around our little downtown just before dusk in a beautiful snow storm.  Delightfully looking at Christmas lights and ringing the bell in front of our Capitol building.

Follow that up with a relaxing Sunday including a tryptophan nap for mom, (a weekend full of turkey will catch up to you eventually) a daughter rearranging jars of applesauce saying, "I'm shopping for winter" and a Dad allowing a son to watch parts of Empire Strikes Back, what more can one gal ask for.  I am so very grateful for this fairy tale weekend! 

A recipe for holiday tradition: Family and Love

Memories of childhood sometimes come forth as if they were another lifetime. It was so long ago. My brain cannot comprehend that I am indeed the same vulnerable little girl sitting on the dried wood of an empty wire spool needing a loving hand of guidance, support, stability to help me.

Other times those memories seem just to have happened. So vivid and clear are they that they pour out of every cell of my being. Flowing from those places they come, welling up a tear and turning mouth edges upward. They lay in wait to be called out by a smell, a feeling, a holiday or a photo.

In years past the Fourth of July meant family, homemade ice cream, fun and fireworks. A day to hover with excitement, (driving my mom crazy no doubt) while ice cream was created in the kitchen. An afternoon with my grandparents, ice and rock salts waiting longing for the year I'd be strong enough to turn the crank all by myself.

In such a hurry we start this life to become independent. I see this trait in my two year old especially, this desire to do things all on her own. Shoving away a helping hand with determination to do it all by herself.

I feel myself doing this at times with God just as I did with my own parents. Shoving away His gentle guidance, his steadying hands and insisting that I can do it on my own. I might succeed, I might even think I did it, it was all me. Deep down I know. If I’m honest, I know it is thanks to the one who created me; He alone does any good that pours from me.

His love was demonstrated during these times. This fellowship of family and love demonstrated (however imperfectly) the love of our Creator and the relationship he wants to have with us.

The years have blended together in my memory, as if each year's movie reel is played atop the previous. In some I have only a little sister, the rest of the reels a little brother too, later on Grandma is gone but the love passes on through the generations. It stays.

I do recall a yummy mint chocolate chip (my favorite) one year and a peach ice cream another. Mostly those details are long gone the lingering feeling of embrace remains. Embraced. Loved.

Grandma with her sweater draping her shoulders, often chilled even on the warmest of days.  She'd sit, content to observe the rhythms of us kids and the men and girls turning the sweet creamy goodness.

My Bobo holding the bucket still, adding leverage for the turning body. I wonder now, if we'd used that ice cream maker more often surely he'd have invented something to hold it down. Clamped it on or done something only his brain could jimmy rig figure out.  For the holiday fun he was happy to hold it for seemingly hours while we waited for that first soft, thick, melty bite.

The conversation for several of the years was over my head but I longed to understand. Usually patriotic music was playing in the house building up in each one of us a pride for our country. The evening ended with a BBQ meal and fireworks and lightning bugs and smells of bug spray. And I can't imagine it any other way.

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Helping make the ice cream!

Presently, the Fourth of July is about family, fun, fireworks and homemade ice cream. Celebrating the reason settlers first braved the ocean and hardships to begin colonizing here....

Mayflower Compact

In the name of God, Amen. We whose names are underwritten, the loyal subjects of our dread Sovereign Lord King James, by the Grace of God of Great Britain, France and Ireland, King, Defender of the Faith, etc.

Having undertaken, for the Glory of God and advancement of the Christian Faith and Honour of our King and Country, a Voyage to plant the First Colony in the Northern Parts of Virginia, do by these presents solemnly and mutually in the presence of God and one of another, Covenant and Combine ourselves together into a Civil Body Politic, for our better ordering and preservation and furtherance of the ends aforesaid; and by virtue hereof to enact, constitute and frame such just and equal Laws, Ordinances, Acts, Constitutions and Offices, from time to time, as shall be thought most meet and convenient for the general good of the Colony, unto which we promise all due submission and obedience. In witness whereof we have hereunder subscribed our names at Cape Cod, the 11th of November, in the year of the reign of our Sovereign Lord King James, of England, France and Ireland the eighteenth, and of Scotland the fifty-fourth. Anno Domini 1620.

(The 'dread sovereign' referred to in the document used the archaic definition of dread—meaning awe and reverence (for the King), not fear.)

Waiting for fireworks!

...And a century and a half later declaring our independence with toddler like determination, thank God for John Adams and the others!  We have a country because of them.

The Declaration of Independence

Happy Independence Day America!

What is your recipe for a holiday tradition? I'd love to know.

Truth.

This morning as we were getting ready I was having a discussion with my son about the choices we make to be kind or hurtful. Acknowledging that we are very imperfect and cannot always do right by others, but even though a goal of perfection is indeed unattainable we still need to try in each and every situation to control ourselves and treat others with kindness.

In passing, I mention to my husband my incomplete list of family rules and a desire to hang them so we have a visual reminder of the behavior that is expected from all members of our home. Nathan sits quietly on our bed listening to this quick exchange. After a brief pause he asks, "what are the fruits of the spirit again Mommy?"

Together we answer, "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

"See mommy, that can be our rules to do all these things."

Amen.

Oh boy. Oh my boy.

Well Yanks, move over cause this Mama's got a new favorite team!

My son woke up thrilled this morning, "Mommy today is Thursday May 27 and it's my very first big game." We went about the busyness of the day all the while the 'big game' on our minds. It rained on and off midday the conversation turned from "I can't wait" to "I hope it won't be cancelled." Soon enough the clouds began to part allowing yellow rays to dry the earth. "I think it's going to be okay," no more worries.

My son was beyond excited, over-the-moon, he had the biggest smiles I've seen. Putting on his uniform he yelled, "I'm a Dodger!" Then carefully instructing me, "You've got to remember to cheer for me, well not just me, but my whole team. Okay mommy, promise you'll root for my whole team, the Dodgers."

"I promise." (I might have been the loudest one.)

There were moments of confusion at first, after all this was the first time many of these kids had actually played a game of baseball. It is a confidence boosting league at this age so they all get to bat each inning and a game is three innings long. If they get out they can still run the bases, they are still little tykes after all. It's coach pitched, but if they miss 3 or 4 then they can hit off the tee, so pretty relaxed.

I was very proud of my little guy, he might be small for his age but he sure packs a punch, he hit two into the outfield! One at bat he had some trouble and didn't like it when Coach Dad brought over the tee but he pushed through it.

All in all it was a fabulous evening even with three trips to the porta-potty with my two year old. Yes, three excessive trips to the most germ infested place on the planet in one hour. I am so grateful there was a potty within twenty yards! Thank you God! (Oh and please protect us from all those germs, thank you!)  Hearing her little cheers for her brother, priceless!


Turning the world back a day.....


So we're all together now, it's yesterday. I'm usually pretty lenient about messes that are in bedrooms, as long as it stays there and doesn't spread to the rest of the house. A couple times a week I'll enforce a clean up or I might ask them to pick up a common item (dress up clothes, duplo blocks) if it seems out of hand. This was one of those times. I sent my son upstairs to clean up his legos. They had spread dangerously out of the corner where they are most often dumped and were oozing into the area where they become likely to damage a parental foot or heaven forbid knee at bed time.

It was one of those days where we didn't have much to do in the afternoon; I did some chores, played with my daughter, chatted with my husband and though it was taking my son awhile to clean up. I'm sure snack time will motivate him to finish up. In a fairly loud voice I call for anyone who wants a snack that has finished their chores. He pops his little head out to let me know that he is indeed cleaning but also getting distracted (his words not mine) and having trouble staying focused (again his choice of words). I decided to see just what would motivate him.

The verdict: nothing. He was so involved in Lego creation that he missed snack time, reading his favorite book, playing games, playing outside and the beginning of dinner. Dinner and hearing us pray was when I began hearing handfuls of legos clanking into the side of their bin. His creation was indeed something, and he said that he had WAY more fun picking up the legos and building with them rather than just dumping them into the bin.

I suppose this could be looked at as being inconsistent since I didn't enforce what I sent him up there to do. I did however enforce that he couldn't do anything else until his task was completed. Like I said it was an experiment, he is so slow moving and easy going about some things I just wanted to see how far it would go. Now I know, dinner. He won't go without dinner.

With full tummies we went up to admire his house and flying car. He was making some final adjustments while I snapped some shots. It seems all the booklets of directions are haphazardly strewn about as it has become much more fun to ‘build something from his very own head.’

Dear God,

I LOVE THIS BOY! His ability to make us laugh, his positivity, his hugs, snuggles and kisses. His interest in dirt and all things buggy and his willingness to dress his sisters dolls for her. His laugh is infectious, his strong will makes mine stronger and his rough boyness (while I don't always understand it) can be very protective of me and his baby sister. His smile amazing, his eyes show each sky and sun, his view and desire for learning and his personality are such a miracle. Thank you so very much for blessing our family with him. He rocks!

Yours,
Heidi